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Unfortunately, there’s probably an app for that (useless iPhone applications)

January 29, 2010

The earthquake in Haiti was devastating. So many people killed and injured. There are inspiring stories coming out of it, like the woman pulled out of the church after five days. Then there was the documentarian stuck in the rubble for three days. It’s amazing he survived. He told officials that he was able to hold on because “I had my iPhone with me and I had a medical app on there, so I was able to look up treatment of excessive bleeding and compound fracture”.

It’s good that there are things for keeping people alive, but with untold thousands of choices there’s bound to be ridiculous options. Here are just a few of the more useless applications available.

Bubble wrap

Sure, everyone loves popping bubble wrap, right? I do. But I think most of it has to do with the fact that it’s actually bubble wrap. This app brings a virtual bubble wrap on your screen and you pop it (with the bubble wrap popping noise) by touching the circles. Maybe it’s just me, but wasn’t the whole fun of it squeezing the bubbles and the feel and sound of it?

Sim stapler

It’s a stapler on your screen.  You can staple virtual things together with your virtual stapler.  Enough said.

Hold on

This application shows a button on your screen and times you on how long you can hold it without letting go.  Do people really find this entertaining?  It would seem to me to be right up there with watching grass grow or paint dry.


You know those times when you say “knock on wood” but then can’t find anything made of wood to knock?  Well, this saves you from that.  It shows a piece of wood on the screen to knock.  It makes me wonder if the fact that they’re knocking on pixels and not wood, thereby still failing to holding to the saying,  enters the mind of those who pay for this. 


Apparently there really are people out there who get stage fright in public bathrooms.  This one helps with that by making running water noises and the like to assist the user in relieving themselves.


This one is probably popular in the frat houses I suppose.  It simulates a beer.  And then, when you tilt it, you can simulate yourself drinking the beer.  If your going to do that, why don’t you also simulate yourself jumping off a cliff?

Calm candle

Want to watch a candle burn from start to finish?  Here you go.  And it’s only $5.  For that, you could go buy 20 candles and watch them all burn simultaneously, especially of you’re a  pyro.

Poo log

Have you ever thought “I need to start keeping track of my bowel movements”?  Well, now you can.  It puts the data into a cool graph and everything.  Hold on, I have to update mine…


This application lets you simulate sound you should be making at work so you can take a nap.  I hate to break it to you, but if you’re boss is dumb enough to fall for this, then you might as well get a cardboard cutout of yourself and just stay home for the day.

Hair clinic

Are you worried that your hair line is receding?  Well, this will help.  It plays various inaudible frequencies (which probably means it doesn’t play anything at all) that promote circulation around hair roots.  It also turns on the vibration in the phone to massage the scalp.  Yeah, I’m sure that will totally work.


And now for one that’s just dumb. (Or awesome, depending on how old you are)


I dont’ even know what to say about this one.  I’ll let the guy with the soothing Australian accent describe it to you.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Vanessa permalink
    February 10, 2010 8:23 pm

    I loved your comments about these apps. I can’t believe I read through all of them, though, as these apps are incredibly retarded. Just when I thought I’d read about the stupidest one, there was one that was stupider. Good post.

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