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WTF Amazon? (Part II)

January 13, 2010
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I’m not feeling so good today so I needed an easy post without too much research.  I decided to do a follow-up to my Amazon.com post from a couple months ago.  And why not?  There’s certainly plenty of material.  I need to do another Etsy post as well.  That one was fun.  Anyways, away we go…

 

Shipping Semen?  How To Have a Successful Experience

No, I’m not shipping semen.  But if I did, this would definitely be my first purchase.  It has all the ins and outs when the need to use the postal service to send your troops into enemy territory.  One of the reviewers to this products stated “I’ve been trying to to conceive with a mare for years, but it just hasn’t been working.”   Sounds like you’re going to need more than a book to help you out, buddy.

 

The Avenging Unicorn

In my first Amazon post, I profiled the Avenging Narwahl.  I’m not sure which is better.  The product description did furnish me with some new unicorn knowledge.  Apparently, unicorns frolic in the fields until you summon them to do away with daily annoyances.  This includes three figures for impaling that are often cited as annoyances in everyday life.  They are the new age woman, the business man, and…  the mime?  Whatever.

 

Hunter’s Specialties Butt Out II Tool

This one is mildly disturbing.  I guess if you hunt, you need to clean the prey.  I’ll just lett the product description tell you what to do.

“Just stick this innovative Tool in and twist out your animal’s anal and alimentary canal… cut, tie off and the job is done.”

Sounds like a breeze to me, but I think I’ll stick to the grocery store.

 

Alien love doll

I understand that there are weird fetishes out there, but really?  I also remember in Total Recall when the alien opened her shirt and had three boobs.  I don’t remember at all being turned on by that.  Apparently somebody was.

 

Toilet paper roll with iPod dock

I understand the iPod thing.  I have one, and the gym would suck without it.  But seriously, do you need to listen to it everywhere?

 

Brass balls key chain

I know who orders this!  It’s the same idiots who have a similar looking thing hanging off the back of their lifted piece of crap truck.  You can’t fool me.

 

Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands On Guide To Penis Pleasing

 

This book is written by “world renowned” sex educator and author Sadie Allison.  First, if she’s so famous why have I never heard of her.  Second, I don’t care what her credentials are, tickling is not the way to go!  Anyways, the review says this book rises to the occasion. (Get it?  It’s a play on words.  So clever.)  In it’s favor, it does include 50 “sizzling techniques to master oral lovemaking”.

 

The Art of Strangulation

There were so many “I want to be a ninja” books, I had to pick one.  Why this one?  Because it’s about the techniques and ways of the Thuggee cult in India.  And I know for a fact that Indiana Jones kicked their asses in their Temple of Doom, so how good could they really be?

 

“I Do Facials” necklace

What wrong with this? There’s no problem with someone letting other people know they work at a spa.  What?  Ohhhhhhhh, right.

 

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

This item is all sorts of wacky.  I guess it looks like an armored vehicle, but it’s only got a 6 horsepower engine.  I’m relatively surprised it can even get moving with that.  According to the description, it can comfortably carry five passengers internally or on the roof.  I’m not really sure why you would want to ride on the roof, but whatever.  I also like this obviously Photoshopped picture:

I guess they haven’t sold many of these yet because their advertising campaign could use a boost of funds.

That’s it for today.  I’m going to get some rest and try to feel better.  This post seems a little off to me, but it’s hard to be witty when you can barely think straight.  I’m taking a Tylenol PM.  I’ll see you in a couple days…

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