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Sometimes I think the patent office is just bored

December 7, 2009
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The U.S. Patent Office grants upwards of 180,000 patents a year.  That means there are that many new or different ideas.  If you have an idea for something, it’s probably already been patented.  I understand that coming up with the next big thing could be lucrative.  The guy who “invented” the pet rock made a million dollars, right?   

Congratulations! It's a... rock.

 I mean, he took a damn rock, put in in a box, and people everywhere had to have it.  But that isn’t nearly the most crazy or illogical thing that has been patneted.  I would think that people that work there must have an amazingly amusing job seeing some of these things come through.  It’s like they grant patents out of pity for the lameness of the person who actually submitted it.  These are just ridiculous, but I’m still kind of surprised I haven’t seen any for sale yet.  What would you do if worked at the patent office and some of these came across your desk?  

The waterproof  towel 

Sure, because what better way to dry off than using a waterproof towel?  Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of having a towel?  I thought towels were designed to soak up water, not repel it.  Confounding.  

 

Eyedrop applicator 

Listen, if you still can’t manage an eyedropper correctly, then there is nothing anybody can do for you.  You’re going to have to go through life looking like this. 

 

Good luck with that.  

  

Apparatus for self torture (at least that’s what it should be called) 

 They can call it what they want.  If they say it’s an apparatus for exercising the penis, well, that’s fine for them.  I still say it looks like something I would want to keep far away from my penis.  But maybe that’s just me.  

 

  

Cough silencer 

  

Because coughing can be earsplittingly loud, everyone needs one of these.  you know, so you can take it to the movies with you when you have a tickle in your throat.  People aren’t going to be able to tell if you have a slight cough or just don’t want to miss a moment because of an annoying trip to the bathroom.  

 

  

Compartmented fluid dispensing apparatus 

Yup, someone patented the multi-person beer bong.   It actually isn’t such a bad idea.  Whoever did this could walk into any frat party and demand royalties for it’s use.  Or they could just stop being so greedy and take a rip. 

 

  

Security underwear device for sexual organs 

  I think this is a chastity belt.  But it has little doors in the front  and back without locks, so maybe not.  It certainly doesn’t look comfortable.  And I don’t know what my reaction would be if someone came up to me at work and said “Can you come to the bathroom with me?  I need you to open my back door.”

 

So remember folks, if you have an idea get it patented.  It doesn’t matter how inane it is, the patent office will apparently take anything as long as they get their fee.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. tony permalink
    December 7, 2009 12:39 pm

    When I was a pot-head, I came up with plenty of fresh ideas for converting ordinary household items into bongs: flower vases, cantaloupes, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shampoo bottles.. If only I had contacted the US Patent office about some of them.

    I think the most brilliant invention for the 21st Century is the bottle-cap opener built into anything–baseball caps, flip flops, wallets. If I could figure out a way to incorporate one into a cell-phone…

    How about the Jump-to-Conclusions mat? I wonder if anyone ever got a patent on that yet.

  2. December 7, 2009 12:59 pm

    Well said El Skipo, yes, patents can be a strange bedfellow when it comes to actually getting one for something useful. I’ve been working for 3 years with lawyers and such attempting our patent on a solar powered manhole cover antenna. Now why would anyone want to save energy costs when one can head to the store to get some genital security?

    • tony permalink
      December 7, 2009 2:31 pm

      Is there a difference between getting a patent and a trademark? I wonder if it would be easier to get a trademark on an idea, or are those only for product names?

  3. December 24, 2009 4:33 pm

    Nice post, the world of patents is a bizarre one! That exerciser is nuts! Happy Christmas!

    http://www.thepatentdesk.com/

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