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If you love me, you’ll sign this

November 29, 2009

Well, there has yet to be a annulment of the Odom-Kardashian marriage.  But even if he wanted to, it would be cheaper for Lamar to stay married because of the prenuptial agreement.  As it is, he has to fund a joint account, buy a multimillion dollar house, and provide courtside Laker tickets.  But if they get divorced, the prenup calls for a windfall for Chloe.  She gets $500,000 lump sum for every year they were married, $25,000 a month in support, and a new luxury car every lease cycle.  Plus, in addition to the monthly stipend, she gets $5,000 a month for shopping and $1,000 a month for beauty care.  Wait, what?  $1,000 for beauty care. If she’s spending that much on beauty, she’s getting ripped off, because it isn’t working.  

Better up it to $1500

There have been some crazy stipulations people have signed before marriage.  Things like limiting the weight or infidelity of a spouse with large cash penalties.  There is one guy that absolutely takes the cake in this arena.  In February of 2006, Travis Frey was arrested for the attempted kidnapping of his wife in Iowa.  You see, he was a little controlling so she tried to leave him.  And when I say a little controlling, I mean he was a nutjob and a half.  In fact, his wife provided the police a copy of the “contract of wifely expectations” that he made her sign. 

Dude, you are way too ugly to be demanding

This document is unbelievable.  It’s a good thing it’s divided into categories, that makes it easier to break down.  We’ll start with the first section:

Hygiene and self care

He was creepily specific in his wishes here.

“You will shave every third day which includes underarms, chest, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus), all areas are to be completely clean shaven. You may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape that must be centered above the vaginal slit. It will measure no greater the 1″ X 2″ and will maintain a length of more than 1/3″.”

Better get a case of razors

Wow.  What a start.  First of all, does she really need to shave her chest?  But you have to give him credit for letting her choose the potential shape of her pubic hair, therefore giving her artistic freedom.

Clothes and other apparel

“You will wear only thigh highs and garters, and only thong panties… Half of your shoe purchases will be high heels at least 2″ high… you will give me all non-thong panties, pantyhose, and knee-highs for disposal.”

Sorry, these have to go

Sleepwear and sleeping

“When home, you will be naked within 20 minutes after the kids are put to bed as well as sleep naked unless instructed otherwise, except when you are on your menstrual cycle… when in bed I can cuddle, hold, or touch you as I see fit as long as it does not excessively disturb your sleep.”

So the question is, what defines an excessive disturbance?

"It's OK honey, go back to sleep. I'm already done."

My time

Apparently Travis decided that there are a few hours in the day that belong to him.  Something tells me he didn’t give his wife time of her own.

“…from the time you are naked until 12:00am is considered my time. Your time will be devouted solely to me during this time, whereas you will be in my service to do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual…”

Seems like a good idea to me.   Arrrrrgghhhh!!!  Sorry, my wife just kicked me in the balls.  While a get an ice pack, let’s look at some finer points on a list he included in this section.  During the time mentioned above, the wife will not: argue, whine, pout, show displeasure, raise her voice, or be distracted.  She will: be subservient and submissive, adoring, cheerful, and perform any and all sexual acts. 

You will have plenty of "your time" where you are going

Good behavior

“Since there is no negotiations, you are given chances to earn good behavior days (GBD)… each gbd can be used to get out of doing the things expected out of you for an entire day, with the exception of shaving and sleepwear… GBD’s can be used redeemed anytime after you received them up to the end of the next quarter…”

The whole office gets excited when she gets a GBD

Before the next quarter?  Does he think he’s a corporation or something?  It’s like sick days at work.  If I were her, I would tell him to forget the GBD and just give her some GHB so she could escape that awful life for a day.

Misbehavior and noncompliance

“Misbehavior is when you complain about what is expected or requested of you… if I feel you have misbehaved you will lose 5 GBD’s…if you do not have enough GBD’s to cover the loss, you will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish too(sic) you… this will continue every night until you wish to be compliant again…”

So there!! What amazes me is that this lady couldn’t have been totally clueless about how Travis wanted his home life before they were married.  Are there really that many people out there who are willing to go through stuff like this?  I mean, not only was this guy in court for the kidnapping, but also for downloading and sharing child pornography, which was part of the over 99,000 porn images and videos recovered from his computers.   What a winner.  He didn’t want a wife, he wanted a porn star.  See ladies, there are plenty of great guys out there. 

The crazy thing is that I barely touched on half of the actual contract.  There is still a more detailed description of clothing and sleeping.  As well as what she can wear, some very detailed mandates for sex, and how she must act on birthdays and anniversaries.  To see the contract in all it’s glory, you can read it on this page from The Smoking Gun.  Frey was eventually convicted of sexual assault but aquitted of kidnapping.  He was sentenced to 10 years in prison.

One Comment leave one →
  1. tony permalink
    December 2, 2009 5:00 pm

    The wife and I have a similar contract, although ours does specify exactly what I may or may not shape my pubes into. For instance, $ and 😉 are no longer acceptable hair configurations.

    That, and ours specifies that I lose one GBD for each time I stumble into the house at 4 a.m., reeking of beer.

    So far, I’m at -27 GBDs this year…

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