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Some may get a second chance at life, but these people need a second chance at death

November 25, 2009

There are millions of ways to die.  Some of them more dignified than others.  Recently, a 28-year-old Russian man made a sizable bet that he could pleasure two women for 12 straight hours.  And wouldn’t you know it, he did it.  Then he fell over dead.  The toxicology reports showed that the man died of an overdose of Viagra after downing a whole bottle before getting started. 

 

I don’t remember that being listed as a side effect.  He isn’t the only one in history to bite the bullet in an embarrassing and stupid way.  There are all sorts of urban legends and myths out there, so I tried to only include stories that have been confirmed with at least one credible source.  Yes, they’re all true.

Last call

In 1992, a North Carolina man decided that the best way to keep his house safe was keeping his Smith & Wesson .38 on his bedside table.  It seems effective.  If anyone walks in your house at night that you didn’t invite, there is a pretty good deterrent right there.  And right next to your phone. 

Why not just combine them?

One night, awakened by the ringing of his phone, the man reached for and answered the business end of his home defense system.

There’s always a reason to party

When Hurricane Camille hit the east coast in 1969, most of the affected area was evacuated.  There were about 20 people who instead decided to have a “hurricane party.”  I guess natural disasters call for the bubbly.  The partygoers insisted they would be safe due to the concrete construction of the building they were in. 

"Hey guys, do you hear something?"

Somewhere along the line, probably just as the strip poker game was getting started, a 30 foot wave hit the side of the building and it collapsed.  All but 3 of the attendees were killed.

If you fail once, get a bigger hammer

In Brazil a few years ago, a man came across several discarded rocket propelled grenades.  Figuring he could sell them for scrap metal, he grabbed them up and took them to the repair shop he worked at.  Trying to figure out a way to dismantle the grenades, his first genius idea was to run one over several times with his car.  Surprisingly, nothing happened.  Then, in a clear-cut Looney Tunes moment, he decided a sledgehammer would do the job.  He was right this time. 

Not good for delicate situations

The resulting explosion killed him, along with severely damaging six cars and the repair shop with very low hiring standards.

That rattle is driving me CRAZY!!!

A Michigan man heard a rattle somewhere in the undercarriage of his flatbed truck in 1995.  Unable to figure out where it was coming from, he decided there was only one way to find out. 

"Nope, not there."

He got his friend, who was apparently as illogical as he was, and told him to drive down the highway while the man hung underneath the truck.  Since he didn’t have the charm or intelligence of Indiana Jones, he got caught in the driveshaft and decapitated.

Man vs. Lion, man loses

An Australian karate student was amazed when told that, at this point in his training, he was now able to “kill any wild animal with his bare hands.”  Taking his newfound dominance to heart, he decided to put it to the ultimate test.  He broke into the city zoo and climbed into the lion enclosure to kick it around with the king of the jungle.

He had the upper hand for about 0.08 seconds

While he may have been able to hang with one lion for a very short time, he found that the entire pride in the habitat took offense to his presence.  The next morning, some zoo keepers found an arm and two hands, and nothing else.

Is there any better irony than this?

In 1997, a man and his friends sneaked into Mammoth Mountain ski resort in California.  He tore off the foam barrier around one of the ski lift posts.  The barrier is meant to protect skiers in the event of a collision with the post.  He dragged it up the hill with the idea of using it as a sled.  It worked wonderfully. 

Other ways ski lifts can injure you

The makeshift sled gained speed and the man was enjoying every second of it.  That is, until he was killed when he collided with a lift post… the same lift post he took the padding off.

That was dumb.  Let’s try it again.

A 38-year-old Toronto man was showing some students around his office in 1996 when one of them asked if he was ever afraid because of his floor to ceiling window on the 29th floor.  The man said there was nothing to fear because it was unbreakable.  Now, a little background.  This man was a lawyer, graduated top of his class from law school, and passed the law exam in the top 1%.  He was smart, at least with the books.

All that money for law school and this is how it's going to end

After proving that there was nothing to be worried about by jumping into the glass and it staying intact, he must have figured that his argument wouldn’t hold up in court.  He gave a second effort.  In his defense, the glass didn’t break, it just popped out of its casing and took him with it.  So he was half right, but all dead.

Patience is a virtue

I love my lava lamp.  It’s one of my favorites in home decor.  The only thing I don’t like about it is that it takes forever to start looking like a lava lamp after it’s turned on.  That little 40 watt bulb takes a while to heat up the wax and start the neverending but fascinating visual awesomeness.  Well, a 24 year old man from Kent, Washington decided he didn’t want to wait for the uncooperative wax, he wanted it NOW.  He needed something more powerful, so he turned the stove on high and waited for lava lamp turbo edition.

I could stare at this for hours. Even when I'm sober.

The wax melted faster, but then the expanding mass in the lamp had nowhere to go.  The lamp exploded, sending several shards of glass through his heart, killing him quickly.

There are so many more like these.  Some of them seemed to good to be true, which is probably why I couldn’t find anything confirming they actually happened.  So the moral of the story is don’t be stupid.  The last thing you want is your death being made fun of by an extremely handsome amateur blogger with a rapier wit.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. tony permalink
    November 25, 2009 8:05 pm

    “The last thing you want is your death being made fun of by an extremely handsome amateur blogger with a rapier wit.”

    Or worse–it could end up on this blog…

    /Zing!
    //I’m here all week!
    ///Try the veal!

Trackbacks

  1. Goodbye cruel world! (7 bizarre and/or ironic deaths) « A Whole Lot of Nothing

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