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I thought you weren’t supposed to talk about Fight Club

November 20, 2009

With blatant disregard to the rules, the media has been talking about Fight Club again.  There have been several reports that the new Blu-ray came out with a little extra in the opening menu. Apparently, when the disc is loaded in, a flash of the “Never Been Kissed” menu screen shows before the actual menu screen.  I guess this is supposed to be a practical joke, as no self-respecting Fight Club fan would ever have a copy of that movie in their house.  I’m sure it caused a few gasps, followed by relief, followed by everyone asking themselves WWTDD?

Apparently he would take a shower

But I feel as I am breaking the first rule of Fight Club just by writing this post.  If you’ve never seen Fight Club, it’s basically a movie about someone trying to find the point of being alive, wrapped up in a people beating up other people shell.  Also, if you haven’t seen it, go straight to Netflix and put it above all those awful movies presently in your queue.  NOW!!!  Yes, even above Twilight.

It will probably look like this when you're done

While we wait for some of our less cultured readers to do that, the rest of us will move on.  For those of us who are normal and have seen it, do you remember the rules of Fight Club?  Let me refresh your memory.  What else do you have to do right now?  Work?  Well, do what you must.  But remember, it’s your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. (I had to get that in somewhere)

1st rule: You do not talk about fight club

It’s all coming back now, right?  Aside from the fact that you break the first rule every time you tell somebody about the rules, this seems like a good rule for this kind of social gathering.  I don’t think that the law would appreciate a bunch of douchebags getting together to beat the crap out of each other.  No wonder health care is going through the roof.

But there are problems with this rule.  How do you recruit new members?  I guess you have to say something like  “Hey, meet me at that deserted warehouse on 5th street, and don’t ask me why. Oh, and bring a first aid kit”

2nd rule: You DO NOT talk about Fight Club

Um… yeah.  First, stop yelling at me Tyler.  Second, I know that The Narrator was short on sleep and all, but is there a need to be redundant?  The first rule really doesn’t  leave much room for interpretation.  Too bad these aren’t the first two rules of UFC.  My life would be much better.

3rd rule: If someone says “stop”, goes limp, or taps out the fight is over

Of all the rules, this one seems like the most logical.  Nobody wants to die at a gathering of friends.  Of course, most friends don’t give you a forearm shiver when they see fit. 

Suge Knight never came back to Fight Club

And I think “stop” is a pretty generic safe word.  Couldn’t they think of something more original, like “snuffleupagus” or something? 

4th rule:  Only two guys fight

I still think that tag-teams was one thing Fight Club was missing.  Aside from that, I can’t really think of anything witty about this one, but my comments on the 5th rule kind of include this one so let’s continue… 

5th rule:   One fight at a time

What are they tying to do, make it like a high school dance?  You know, where everybody is standing around the sidelines with maybe one or two couples dancing in the middle.  In these days of media overload, I think some people would lose interest after a while.  Wouldn’t it be better if it were like the fight in Anchorman? 

The kind of fight worthy of a club

6th rule: No shirt, no shoes

No dice?  This would be a much better rule if there were girls in Fight Club.  I don’t see any rules banning catfights.  Inaugural member: that New Mexico soccer player.

7th rule:  Fights will go on as long as they have to

When you combine this rule with rules no. 4 and 5, there could be some long, boring nights at Fight Club.  What happens if you show up, ready to fight, and you’re at the end of a line on a busy night. 

There is no cutting in Fight Club

If there’s only one fight at a time  and only two guys are in each fight, you may go home uninjured.  That would suck.

8th rule: If this is your first night at fight club, you HAVE to fight

This is where the first rule could be a little contentious.  You invite a buddy to go with you but you can’t tell him where you’re going.  You know, you can’t talk about it.  So your buddy goes with you because he trusts you.  The the two of you show up to Fight Club and wham!, your unsuspecting friend unwittingly gets his clock cleaned. 

Welcome to Fight Club, chump

Don’t expect a call from him any time soon.

So those are the rules.  Consider yourself re-educated.  It seems pretty basic, right?.  Follow the rules, pummel the snot out of fellow club members, and life is much better.  I do think that there needs to be a couple rules added at this point in time, but that would be enough for an entire new post.  In the meantime, please stop talking about Fight Club in 3… 2… 1…

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Alex permalink
    November 20, 2009 2:50 pm

    That was nice of you to include your current NETFLIX order form as an example. Maid in Manhattan HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!

    • tony permalink
      November 20, 2009 4:52 pm

      i’m not sure those are his ratings, ALEX. whoever’s list that is only gave it one and a half stars, and we know christian would give that one at least four stars.

      plus, i don’t see “Pretty Woman” on there, so i’m pretty sure it’s not his…

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