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You have to spend money to save money

November 19, 2009

As kind of a Sunday morning ritual, my wife and I go through the Sunday paper and check to see if there are any coupons we may be able to use.  And there are a lot of them.  Here’s the thing, on the front page of the paper it said that, with the coupons in the Sunday paper, you could save up to $541.

And these days, almost everyone is looking to save a buck or two, right?  So I decided to see how much you would have to spend to save that much.  I also decided to highlight some WTF? moments I had while going through everything.  Here we go…

$1 off Eukanuba dog food.  Regular price: $13.99

$0.55 off Hefty bags.  Regular price: $4.99

$0.40 off Finish Jet-Dry rinse agent. Regular price: $3.89

And now I come across my first WTF moment for today.

They’re handsome, they’re crushproof, they’re durable, they’re…  leather hats?  Do people still wear these?  Actually, did people ever wear these?  And 2 for the low price of $19.90.  I think I’ll take the sweet baseball hat and the wide-brimmed version.  Either one of those would go well with my ensemble next time I hit up the Blue Oyster Bar.  Sure, they can go anywhere, any time, but they’ll also get your ass kicked all those places too.  And how good is the leather if it’s stretchable for they’re “one size fits all” schtick?  Yeah, I bet it’s genuine.

OK, moving on…

$1 off I can’t Believe it’s Not Butter… Spray. (Easy there, Fabio) Regular price: $4.79

[fast forward 30 minutes]

This is already very tedious, but I’m marching on…

$1 off any 2 Ragu sauces. Regular price: $3.79 each

Sweet!!! Another ad for suckers.

Really?  OK, let me get this straight, they’re selling 100 pennies for $9.95.  Let me repeat: 100 pennies for $9.95.  That is what you call a 895% markup.  they don’t even need to manufacture the product.  And lucky you, that $9.95 price is 33% off the regular price.  If only I knew before it was this easy to make money.  Unbelievable.

$1.50 off any 2 Snuggle dryer sheets.  Regular price: $4.89

$4.00 off 24 Hour Prevacid.  Regular price: $15.99

Wow.  that was quick.  Already another crazy-stupid deal.

It’s chenille! You know, that really comfortable stuff.  If by comfortable you mean it scratches you like course-grade sand paper. And it’s “cable detail really makes it look expensive”.  Um… no.  It makes it look like if your under 70 and ordering this you need to have your head examined.  And one of their colors is dusty plum.  Who wants something that’s colored like a dusty plum?

$1 off any 2 Best Food mayonnaise.  Regular price: $4.89 each

[fast forward another 40 minutes]

$1 off and 2 Skippy peanut butter products.  Regular price: $3.99

Buy 1 get 1 any Mars chocolate product.  Regular price: $1.29

Oh. My. God.  This is the most God-awful thing I have ever seen.

Intense Disney fans are the worst.  Have you ever been in a Disney store?  Yeah, you know what I mean.  It says this captures the spirit of Disney enchantment.  It also captures the spirit of the kind of people who annoy the bejesus out of me.  The person who buys this is the same person who has a Prince Charming and Cinderella cake topper for their wedding.  Scary.  And you can have this for a mere $99.95.  But please hurry, because the ad says that “strong demand will limit availability”.  Even scarier.  “Return the reservation application today!”  Reservation application?  What, do you have to pass a test to get this.  It’s an order form, you nitwits!  This is why I hat Disney.  And for good measure, they had to put this at the bottom:

Because there must be people out there who would actually thinko they’re spending $100 on a Disney bag that’s 4″ tall.  Yes, they do exist, and they would spend that.

$0.50 off Brawny 6-roll paper towels.  Regular price: $6.99

[15 minutes later]

Getting close to the end now.

$1.00 off 2 packages of Kraft Singles.  Regular price: $3.49 each

$1.00 off Strap Perfect bra concealer. (What?) Regular price: $7.49

$1.50 off 8 pack Duracell batteries.  Regular price: $6.99

Bronco belts!!!!

As the ad says, “now you don’t have to be a rich cowboy to add an authentic Western look to any jeans or pants you wear”.  Plus, they have a “bold” silver metal buckle for a “rugged touch”.  I don’t know about you, but when I think about a bold and rugged cowboy belt, it’s made from a freshly killed rattlesnake with the rattle still shaking and venom still dripping from the fangs when I put it on.  But I guess that wouldn’t “rustle up some attention” like these fine belts would.

$0.35 off C&H sugar (2 lb.).  Regular price: $1.79

$1.00 off 4 cans of Pringles. (Because you need 4 at a time)   Regular price: $2.59

A letter from Santa?

Last time I checked, kids were supposed to write letters TO Santa.  When I was a kid, I wouldn’t have cared about a letter from Santa, I just wanted him to show up Christmas Eve.  $2.95 for a letter probably printed on a home inkjet and $1 for them to get a stamp to send it.  Ridiculous.

$1 off 3 packages of Philadelphia cream cheese.  (Again, because you apparently need 3 at a time)  Regular price: $3.39 each

$1 off 9-oz package of M&M’s.  Regular price: $1.19

Finally!  That was a unique experience.  But here’s the final tally:

To save that $541, your bill before the coupons would be $1897.56.  So your total spent would be $1356.56.  That’s a hell of a grocery bill.  But you would sure rack up those bonus points.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. sarah permalink
    November 19, 2009 10:37 am

    ha thanks for the hilarious post. if you’re looking for *free* letters to & from santa, visit they have really cute printables for the holiday season- and they’re free!

  2. tony permalink
    November 19, 2009 11:08 am

    did you really take the time to add up all the coupons in the sunday ed. of the newspaper? i wanna party with you, my friend…

    by the way, i hope you save the ad for the brokeback cowboy hats. rob’s birthday is nearly here.

  3. Heidi permalink
    November 19, 2009 11:35 am

    Glad to see your accounting education is working for you! The wowed part is, I know you probably really enjoyed doing this. It would have been fun to be in the same room calling out random letters when you get 3/4 of the way through 😉

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