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Twilight is awful (someone had to say it)

November 17, 2009

This Twilight crap is everywhere and I just can’t keep my mouth shut anymore.  (Like that’s ever been a problem)  We go to Target a lot on the weekend.  This past Sunday, I almost had to leave early because I was getting ready to lose it.  There wasn’t just a couple pieces of Twilight paraphernalia, they had full sections filled with it.  They’re putting the mugs of the kids in the film on EVERYTHING.  Harry Potter mania wasn’t nearly this bad, or annoying.  I even heard a new term today thanks to E!.  They called the Twilight kids “glampires”.  Bruuugh. (Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little)

twilightcover

That better be a poison apple, because I would rather die than see the next movie

Now don’t get me wrong, I like that there is something to get kids and teens reading.  That’s great, even though the books are poorly written.  And most Twilight fans are normal about it, but some are just plain out of their effen’ minds.  Now with the new movie coming out, they are saturating everything with Twilight stuff.  It makes me want to tear my eyes out.  And just because you like a movie doesn’t mean you have to advertise it every time you walk out of the house.  I love the Bourne series, but you don’t see me walking around beating the brains out of anybody who might be against me.  (And I ‘ve totally seen the self-defense episode of BH 90210. NO! NO! NO!)  So let’s look at why I think this whole twilight mania is stupid:

I’m ugly because I choose to be

Let’s start with the most disturbing trend surrounding this fad: the whole emo goth look.  Let me clarify here, the goth look has been around for quite a while.  It never bothered me until recently.  Mostly because the Twilight inspired pseudo goths are idiots.  Seriously, how many things can you whine about.  And stop it with the “why is everybody looking at me?” crap.  They’re looking at you because you want them to look at you.  It’s psychology 101.  OK, I got that out of me.  I feel better now.  But seriously, look at this:

emo2

Are you weeping for the future?  I am. 

The Harry Potter craze was less annoying

Sure, Harry Potter also annoyed me slightly when it was huge, but not nearly as much as Twilight.  The kids and teens would put on their capes and swing their wands around, but then they put it away when they go to the mall.  These Twilight emo kids never take it off.  They are more than happy to walk around in public with their awful hair and skinny jeans looking like storks with bad wigs.

potter

I would rather see this at the mall than the dude in the picture above. That was a dude, right?

Also, Harry Potter was just a kid trying to make it in school.  None of the over the top soap opera you see in Twilight.  I don’t know about you, but my teen years were much less dramatic.   And if I was a teenager and thought I loved someone who may spontaneously kill me at any time, self-preservation takes over and I kick their ass to the curb.  Then all these people say “But it’s true love”.  Spare me.  If I want to see a movie about true love, I’ll watch Princess Bride.

Lost Boys had better vampires

There is no vampire movie ever as good as Lost Boys.  How could you not love the Coreys kicking Jack Bauer’s ass.  And these vampires have fun.  They party, ride motorcycles, and do other stuff we would all be doing if we were immortal.  If I hadn’t aged since 1918, as Eddie Cullen hasn’t in Twilight, I would be partying it up and trying to have fun. 

kiefer

Now that's what I call a vampire

And seriously Edward Cullen, what self-respecting vampire doesn’t have fangs?  Oh, that’s only in the movies, you say?  Hey, jackass, this is a movie!!!

Why are the stars of Twilight considered “hearthtrobs”?

Every time I turn around, I see a picture of Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart.  Neither one of these actors is a knockout.  Let’s start with Robert.

robert

When did America decide this is to die for?  I must have been sleeping.  And how much Aquanet does he use?  If you’re a smoker, don’t flick your Bic anywhere near this dude.  You’ll be left without eyebrows.  He was much more fun as Cedric in the Harry Potter movies.  And what is this whole thing with covering everyone in glitter?  I hate to tell you, but a turd covered in glitter is still a turd.  Now on to Kristen Stewart.

kristen

OK, she was decent in Adventureland.  And she’s a better actor than Robert Pattinson, but not by much, and equally as whiny.  And she just isn’t what I would call a dream girl.  Attractive? Yes.  Ugly? No.  Do you get what I’m trying to say?  She’s a pretty girl, but not pretty enough for me to want to see her 18 times a day.

The Twilight marketing is out of control

How many things can you put the Twilight logo on?  I thought we had seen a peak with Hannah Montana and High School Musical.  But no, Twilight falls into the same category and those Disney crap factories.  That’s right all you Twilight superfans, you are equal to Mickey Mouse.  Let’s see a sample of what’s for sale.

How about Edward and Bella Barbie Dolls by Mattel.  Why not?

I don’t know haw they convinced Mattel to go with this one.  They’ve always been so protective of their Barbie line.   And $30 for one of these dolls?  That’s just blatant price gouging.  I guess that means these will be out of a lot of parent’s price ranges and give their emo kids more to whine about.  Damn you Mattel!!

Next, I thought about my WTF Etsy? post and decided to see what they have there.

I guess this is one of the taglines for the film.  But who the hell is the lion?  They’re all whiny kids.   I think it would be better if it said “And so the whiny lamb fell in love with the other slightly less whiny, semi-attractive lamb.” 

Moving on, how about a $21 water bottle…

…or the official Twilight man purse.

 

And last but not least…  the super creepy “Edward Cullen is watching you sleep” wall decal. *shiver*

Kind of makes you want to take a shower.

The movies are not entertaining

The characters are unlikable and the plot is boring.  And I could go on and on about the Bella character played by Kristen Stewart.  All these girls who love Twilight are idolizing a shallow, submissive, and insecure character.  Even worse, she continues to get more insecure and submissive as the series goes on.  I already mentioned that she isn’t exactly Sophia Vergara, so I fail to see how she kind of becomes the hottie of her high school.  And who gets excited when they find out some dude has been watching her sleep?  That’s just plain creepy. 

Be not so safe

Congratulations, Stephenie Meyer, you created a character who sets feminism back further than I have.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2009 10:42 am

    Hahahaha “Be safe” — creep-tastic!!

  2. tony permalink
    November 17, 2009 11:02 am

  3. MD Stevens permalink
    November 19, 2009 1:36 am

    how is it any more over played then halo, world of warcraft (really, their own soda flavor?), star wars, or pretty much anything else. there is always money in creating a mania over something. i bet none of the haters know that the book, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer actually came out a few years ago. That it used to be so obscure I couldn’t find it at any library in Madison. And as for the writing, It’s written in the first person, from Bella’s point of view. Written as if she were telling the story. Which she is. From that perspective and having been a teenage girl once, i can vouch that it is written very well. Girls and women can relate to the way its written just as much as what it says. and it says a lot. its not an action thriller or horror. its about a girl who is in love, and conflict. a theme i am very familiar with. i enjoy knowing its a notable theme. (and dude, you should not be talking smack of other people’s writings. you have no stones to throw, you are just as guilty of craptastic writing).
    there is plenty going on with the characters. and don’t even start with the vampire or werewolf stuff. firstly, vampires and werewolves have been a mania for ever. there’s a freaking larp for it! I think every nay-sayer is jealous. Meyer came up with a new conception of vampire and werewolf lore. and so very few have actually done that. Not Anne Rice. Not any graphic novel I am familiar with. Not Joss Whedon. Not even Bram Stoker.
    does anyone have a right to bitch that some one is actually make money to live off doing something she loves?
    I am not ashamed to say I love and own the books. I read them frequently. I am not ashamed to say I will stand in line for hours if I have to, to see the movies. I find the series both entertaining, and endearing and a great distraction in a way that doesn’t make me pine for a different life.
    And I find the whole saga fascinating! It’s beautiful if you don’t read it thinking “vampires and werewolves” because it’s not about that. its about life, and family and love.
    And so what if there are shirts and party ware and jewelry? Shit, Star Wars made huge bang on the “empty box christmas” because Lucas knew fans would want memorabilia. This is not a new concept people. Get over it, or start being offended by everything in this vein. Where is the blog about WOW’s mountain dew soda’s, or D&D’s soda’s? Try being offended by something that actually matters, for a change. Not the trivial stuff that will go out of trend as quickly as it came in. Or better yet, for those who hiss and boo and write posts about how much Twilight sucks, and all the crap related to it, get a freaking life and stop hounding us for having ours. If you hate the saga, don’t read it. No one is making you. Don’t see the movie. No one is going to force you too. Don’t buy the merchandise. No one will think less of you. Unlike you, we don’t judge others for their personal taste in pop-culture. Get over yourselves and move on. In a year or two, we will have, while you are still stuck in twilight, never getting to that new moon, kind of like an eclipse where you are just waiting for your breaking dawn.

    • tony permalink
      November 19, 2009 10:48 am

      what’s funny, MD, is you just totally proved his point. Look at you. a grown woman reading books intended for a 13-year-old girl.

      for your information, people who stand it line for hours for those other things you mentioned (halo, world of warcraft, star wars) are tools, also. so your point is invalid.

      it’s not that we find the books, movies, or authors so bad. it’s the FANS that are so annoying.

      and, don’t worry, we’re not buying the merchandise, so there will be plenty left for you and your cats, and if you can’t decipher the tone of this post, you just can’t understand sarcasm, so you’ll never get it.

      go cry, emo girl, and always reach for the new moon.

    • Alex permalink
      November 19, 2009 3:37 pm

      MD: To your comment: If you hate the saga, don’t read it.
      Same goes for you…If you hate this website, don’t read it…it’s called a blog, very common these days…you know the kind, where people just write what they feel about things?? It’s an opinion, that means they are never wrong, just unique to each person.

      You might want to consider standing for hours in line at a Yoga studio instead, find some inner peace!

  4. MD Stevens permalink
    November 20, 2009 9:04 am

    🙂

  5. November 23, 2009 6:18 am

    Not a fan of the Twilight books or the Harry Potter series, but I like Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene (hence my contribution to box office sales for the former) and I’ve enjoyed the HP movies.

    Vampire mythology can be re-interpreted as an artist sees fit. But, I have a hard time with the sun-to-skin change in the Meyer world. Sparkling does not a vampire make…unless the sparkling is a “recessive gene,” indicative of a vampire that still has part of its mortal soul in there somewhere. ^J^

    Not to say that sun-to-skin must create an inferno, but at least some smoke or a severe sunburn that would take up to two weeks to heal.

    Ultimately, though, to each his own fandom franchise.

  6. Chris "The Topher" permalink
    November 25, 2009 9:23 am

    I’m a guy who enjoys reading and writing fantasy in my spare time. When I had heard about the basic outline of what Twilight was about from my friend’s girlfriend (as well as just about every 12-year-old girl who I walked by anywhere), I admit I was a little curious.
    After locating one of the few copies Barnes & Noble had left, I picked it up and read the synopsis on the back cover. Is was more than astonished to find that what I was reading was the universal outline for many a teenage vampire love story found online. I knew a few people who wrote them when they were bored because I was the one who would always be editing them. Sure, yes, the characters and location might be different, but the general idea of every other aspect of the book was the exact same.
    Laughing, I put the book down and walked away, shaking my head. Before I was even five feet away from that horrid publication, I was promptly blocked off by a girl no older than fifteen…and she did not seem pleased.
    “What’s so funny? And why are you shaking your head like that?” She asked, in a tone verging on interrogation-ish.
    “The fact that someone went onto the internet and attempted to copy what hundreds of shut-ins have been writing for years. That and the fact someone actually published it. As to why I’m shaking my head…well….both those points are also quite sad.” With that, I attempted to move past her, without success.
    “She’s a genius,” The girl said, her face lightly glowing a lovely shade of irritation,” Ms. Meyer should get, like, a Nobel prize or something for this book!”
    Was she serious? Oh how the younger generations seem to grow increasingly ignorant. “I think you mean the Pulitzer Prize, and no…she shouldn’t. At the most, she deserves a swift burial in an unmarked grave…whether she’s alive or dead doesn’t matter. I heard she has her vampires sparkling in the sunlight. Really? Does she even understand why vampires burst into flames in the sunlight? Do YOU understand why they do that?” I should have left it at that. I should have just left the store, gone home, and put this event out of memory. I was, however curious…and the way a small crowd was subtly forming made it all the more–dare I say it?–fun.
    As expected, the girl took the bait, with an air of confidence, I might add. “These vampires are good! All of those other vampires that have been in, like, movies and stuff are, like, totally evil!”
    I heard a few sighs, and a muffled giggle, come from the audience. I couldn’t help but smile. “Well, it was more of an attempt at getting that wad of jelly in your head to function than I expected, but no. There aren’t any good vampires, nor are there any evil. No more than tapeworms, ticks, and lamprey eels are good or bad. The reason why they burst into flames is that vampires are supposed to be unholy creatures of the night. To step out into the sun’s light, something which gives life to just about every living thing, is comparable to a demon stepping foot into heaven. Or, on a more imaginable scale, water being applied to acid….or is it the other way around? Meh, I admit ignorance in chemistry and there may be other more logical, more reasonable conclusions than my own.. Now, run along…your mother is looking at you and I think she’s hankerin’ for a spankerin’.”
    I had managed to leave after trading nods of approval, subtle salutes, and a few high-fives with whatever person was between me and the door (coincidentally, all of them looked to be over the age of twenty and were mostly male).
    So here I am, one day later, writing this to warn all of those who share my views on this atrocity. While I only had to deal with one Twilightian, do not confront any collective greater than ten. Your headache may last for days and you might not be able to regain whatever I.Q. lost while attempting to comprehend their twisted logic.

  7. December 17, 2009 5:18 pm

    Great site! Keep up the good work!

  8. Elala permalink
    July 5, 2010 1:06 am

    Thank you. Those books are trash. Although most goths- real goths, we’ve been around since the 1980’s and still blossom today- find Twilight appalling. We like literature in general, and give us Bram Stoker’s Dracula anyday over these awful girly vampires.

    Hah, I laughed at the Edward silhouette. They should make shower curtains with it on.

  9. October 30, 2010 8:36 pm

    shower curtains that are made from acrylic and polyester are the most durable ones, that is why we always use them —

  10. November 18, 2010 6:31 am

    those plastic shower curtains are very cheap and you can install it easily without sweat ;;`

  11. TwilightSucksLikeShit permalink
    September 4, 2011 1:53 am

    Haha. I really hate Twilight and I agree. No, it’s not because I’m trying to be different and cool. The books are really awful. I used to actually like them before I realized what crap they were.
    And for the record: It’ll NEVER replace Harry Potter!

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