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WTF Etsy?

November 13, 2009
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Etsy is “your place to buy and sell everything homemade”.  And when they say everything, they mean EVERYTHING.  My wife frequents this site because she make so much stuff.  About 75% of the stuff she wears on a daily basis are garments she made herself.  I live with a regular Martha Stewart.  If you’re curious, you can check out some of her stuff here.  Anyhoo, I never thought to look at Etsy for my WTF? series until our friend Heidi sent me an email saying I should see some of the crazy things for sale there.  Jackpot.  So to follow up WTF Harriet Carter? and WTF Ebay?, and thanks to Heidi, you all get the following funny, odd, or disturbing handmade products you can own with the click of a mouse.

Dog poo business card holder


Price: $9.95

Wow, what a start.  Picture this: You’re sitting at work waiting for your boss to come in with news about a possible promotion.  Your desk is organized, you’re wearing your best suit.  What else could possibly increase your chances?  If you said a dog poo business card holder, get used to the mail room.  Or you have Michael Scott for a boss.  He is the only one who not only would promote you over Dwight immediately, he would ask where you got it so he could get one for himself.  And if dog poo is your thing, this seller has all sorts of other things.  In a funny coincidence, this is the same seller as the “I heart U” poo from my WTF Ebay? a few weeks ago.  Small world.  You can check out all the awesome poo here.

Plush teddy bear with oversized handcrafted vagina


Price$ 35.00

Oh. My. God.  Let’s look at all the conflicting things on this bear.  It’s got a Santa hat.  It’s got a scarf that says “Christ our Savior is born”.  And it has a vagina.  The description says “Where do baby plush animals come from?  She’ll show you.”  This is just disturbing.  Oh, and in case you were wondering, the description also tells us the following information:  height 23″ genitalia length 3″.  Just in case you wanted to know.

Dog butt floss dispenser


Price: $15.00

Dental hygiene is important.  You should brush and floss every day.  However, I for one do not want to put something in my mouth that just came from the ass end of a dog.  I don’t care if it’s plastic and looks like somebody cut Clifford in half.

Reusable cloth menstrual pads


Price: $20.50

Holy hell.  OK, I’m all for helping the environment and all, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere.  As my wife said, “reusable” and “menstrual” should never be in the same sentence.  Ever.

Authentic raccoon heart


Price: $50.00

Everybody needs one of these, right?  The person selling this went into a long diatribe about the raccoon’s spirit, which I ignored for the most part.  I just wanted to know where they got the heart of a raccoon.  Here’s what they say about that: 

“Please note; as with everything I sell, no animals were killed for the purpose of creating the items I offer. I only use animal materials that would otherwise be thrown away. I believe wasting any part of an animal is disrespectful to Mother Nature, so I recycle every single piece I possibly can. I have been creating shrines, fetishes, and totems from animal remains for over 20 years.”

So this heart would have been thrown away?  What, did you eat the rest?  And what kind of fetishes have you been creating from animal remains?  Wait, nevermind.  I don’t want to know.

Thank you card?


Price: $3.00

I suppose this would be a good card to get.  It’s very direct.  And this was a very tame card compared to some of the others that this girl sells.    You can check them out here. (NSFW)  Maybe there’s one that can apply to you.

Urine sample scented candle


Price: $5.00

Everybody loves scented candles.  And what better candle for the bathroom than one that looks like it’s filled with the contents you’re about to unload there.  What scent is it, you ask?  Stale beer.  Classy.

Crime scene bed sheets


Price: $32.00

Nothing says romance like having bed sheets that look like they were just under a ritual sacrifice.  Maybe the women can chime in on this one and let me know if this would be a turn on.  My suspicion is no.

Swastika “good luck” necklace


Price: $21.00

The description for this tells us that the swastika is an ancient symbol for good luck.  That may be true, but we’re not in ancient times.  Things have happened since then that have slightly changed the view of this symbol.  So if you buy this and find out that instead of bring good luck it brings stares and punches to the face, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You have a big chicken card


Price: $2.50

Another great card for a loved one.  The best part of this one is what the description says you can use it for. 

“Got a crush? Here’s a way to break the ice.”

So remember girls, next time you see a guy you like, hand him one of these and the ice is broken. Really, really broken.  Unbelievable.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Heidi permalink
    November 13, 2009 12:11 pm

    Yay! I’m so glad my suggestion helped! Seriously, there are
    some f’ed up things on etsy among the cute jewelry and retro aprons.

    • November 13, 2009 2:30 pm

      I know!!! There was so much material here that I have plenty to do a follow up soon. A lot of them were right on the edge of whether or not I should actually post pictures of them. Scary.

  2. tony permalink
    November 13, 2009 3:40 pm

    this teddy bear you speak of…

    do they make one with an undersized vagina as well?

    no particular reason…just curious…

  3. December 8, 2009 8:48 pm

    Thanks for talking up the Snarky Cards! I really appreciate it! A lot of people have been coming to my site because you said my cards are scary!

    Also: I’ve just put up my Christmas cards! Now you can thank your Jewish friends for making you less racist, or explain to your family that you drank away your plane-ticket-home money or call your closest bitches cunty for Christmas!

    Whatever your deal is, I can help you explain it to people you marginally care about, in a really brutal way.

    Thanks Christian! You rock!

  4. November 12, 2010 9:40 am

    bed sheets that are made of flannel fabric are the best type of bed sheets ~*;


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