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2012 is probably going to be less destructive than Y2K (read: nothing will happen)

November 11, 2009

So we’re all going to die on December 21, 2012.  People seriously believe it.  Remember Y2K?  All those people making fools of themselves buying supplies to survive the disaster, hunkering down in their basements on New Year’s eve.  They came out the next day and were shocked to find… nothing happened.  I hope they enjoyed eating their freeze-dried meatloaf for the next few months, not to mention the research they did about what bugs are the healthiest to consume. 

grasshopper

At least there's no saturated fat

All those people apparently forgot about their gullibility and are at it again.  And now we have to put up with it for 3 annoying years.  I’m hoping that after the movie comes out this will all die down.  I know most of the reason for all this madness is the intense viral marketing campaign, setting up phony websites and such explaining why the world is going to hell in a handbasket on that day.  And then there is this thing with Nostradamus and the Mayan calendar.  Let me tell you about those:  It’s a stretch to believe that Nostradamus predicted anything.  His “predictions” were so vague that many people could perceive it differently and come up with their own views.  It’s like walking into a psychic and them telling you that you will meet someone new very soon.  Wow, really?  Thanks buddy.  Also, the Y2K disaster mentioned earlier that never happened…  everybody was saying he predicted that too.  Oops.

nostra

I predict there will be a lot of gullible people in 1999 and 2012

And then the Mayans.  OK, even people who make their living studying the Mayan culture say this is all a bunch of tomfoolery.  Sure, their calendar ends in 2012.  Do you have any calendars in your home that go past 2010?  So I guess that means you must think the world is going to end on December 31 of next year.  And not only that, they say that 2012 was the end of the Mayan calendar cycle, which is true.  But they weren’t the only ones to do that, nor the first.  There was another society called the Greeks who did that.  And they did it better. 

greece

But they're tied as far as coolest ruins

Personally, I think the world is going to end like this.  But other than that,  I’m here to tell you that everyone will wake up alive and well on December 22, 2012.  I’m not an oracle, but I do have a lot of common sense.  The following will address several scenarios proposed by doomsdayers and what I have to say about them.  Oh, I also have some science nerds totally backing me up.  Read on…

The earth is going to pull the e-brake

earthstop

Doomsdayers say:  A shift in magnetic polarity will stop the earth, then reverse it’s rotation, causing widespread destruction

Scientists say:  First, magnetic polarity and the earth’s rotation are totally unrelated.  The earth’s magnetic polarity does change about every 400,000 years.  There is no evidence that it is going to happen soon, or that there will be anything to be worried about when it does.

I say:  Let the rotation reverse.  This world is so ass-backwards sometimes, maybe it would help

The Sumerians said so

sumer

Doomsdayers say:  The Sumerians were the first great civilization and made several accurate predictions, including the existence of Uranus, Neptune and Pluto.  So their claim that the planet Nibiru is going to collide with the earth in 2012 must be true.

Scientists say:  The claims that the Sumerians predicted a planetary collision isn’t hotly debated.  In fact, it’s not debated at all.  One Sumerian researcher came up with this theory and people ran with it.  Every other expert on Sumerian culture disagrees.  They did not know about Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto.  They also thought the sun rotated around the earth.

I say: If we still listened to the Sumerians, you wouldn’t be reading this.  You would be too busy sacrificing children.

The futures so bright, you gotta wear shades

solarflare

Doomsdayers say:  A massive solar flare will strike the earth in 2012 and destroy everything like that awesome Nic Cage movie “Knowing”.  Even NASA says so.

Scientists say: First, that movie was lame.  Second, NASA did say there may be a strong solar flare in 2012, but there are solar flares all the time.  NASA did predict a relatively strong one in a few years that may slightly affect power grids and the like.  If the sun were capable of putting out solar flares like Hollywood seems to think it can, we would know by observing other stars.  It can’t.

I say:  I never saw the movie.  But I checked out the press release about the solar flare.  The doomsdayers never mentioned the fact that it said there is a slight chance it “could be as big as the solar max that hit in 1956”.  You remember that one?  I didn’t think so, and I don’t recall reading anything about the earth exploding when that happened. 

“Old Faithful” will become “Old Suck It Humans”

yellowstone

Doomsdayers say:  Yellowstone has a massive volcanic eruption about every 650,000 years.  2012 is predicted as the next time it will happen.  The eruption will be so big it will block sunlight and put the earth into another ice age.

Scientists say: We agree that there is a history of Yellowstone erupting into a super volcano, and will happen again.  And it will be big.  Big enough to do all that?  Probably not.  And there are no geologists out there who set a date for 2012.  They say it could potentially happen in the next several thousands to tens of thousands of years.

I say:  Wouldn’t an ice age be a good thing?  At least we wouldn’t have to hear about global warming all the time.  In fact, we would crave a little of it.  And besides, a volcano is no problem.  I saw the movie.  You just knock down a couple buildings and funnel the lava into the Pacific ocean.  Problem solved.

Planets don’t like being organized

alignment

Doomsdayers day:  The planets will align in 2012, the result will be global catastrophe.

Scientists say:  Well, the planets align about once every 57 years, so I think we’re OK there.  And when they do align, nothing happens anyway.  And just to crush your spirit a little more, the next one will not be in 2012, but on September 8, 2040.  Sorry.

I say:  All I know is the last time the planets aligned was several years ago when I met my wife.  I didn’t even have to look it up.  I think it also happened in Tomb Raider, and the only result from that was the thrill of getting to see Angelina Jolie in her hot little outfit packing heat. 

We’re going to have to hear that damn Aerosmith song again

asteroid

Doomdayers say: An asteroid will strike the earth in December of 2012 which will kill all living things except bacteria.

Scientists say:  Wrong again.  There are several asteroids that will make close appearances to earth in that month.  There’s even a partial list of them here.  None will get closer than a few hundred thousand miles.  And besides, if there is an asteroid on a collision course with earth big enough to cause serious damage, we’ll know about it decades in advance.

I say:  I’m not worried.  In the event one is discovered, we’ll have plenty of time to assemble a rag-tag group of offshore oil drillers to save the planet.

The Vatican must be involved

bible

Doomsdayers say:  Even the Bible predicts that the final battle of good vs. evil, or armageddon, will occur in 2012

Scientists say:  What did Darwin have to say about it?

I say:  When was that date set?  I went to a Lutheran grade school and high school.  I had to take Theology every semester and was forced into chapel at least once a week that whole time.  I don’t seem to recall anything being said about when that would happen.  I’d like to see some evidence on that one.  Oh?  There is none?  OK, you can shut the hell up now.

The Mayans knew about lasers

mayan

Doomsdayers say: The Mayan calendar is ending, which means we are coming out of a “galactic beam.”  You see, the Mayan calendar was based on the “Great Cycle” which lasts 5,200 years and ends on December 21,2012.  When we emerge from the beam, the earth will drastically change.

Scientists say:  There is, nor has there ever been, any evidence of a “galactic beam”.

I say: You’re an idiot.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Jennifer Lancey permalink
    November 11, 2009 1:14 am

    I finally decided to write a comment on your blog. I just wanted to say good job. I really enjoy reading your posts.

  2. tony permalink
    November 13, 2009 4:36 pm

    no, no. it’s all wrong. the earth already ended june 21 1987. that’s the day the day the Prince stopped playing with The Revolution.

    *sniff*

    • November 16, 2009 11:00 pm

      Ah yes, a day that will forever be considered a plain bad day in history. Along with July 4, 1973. Oh yeah, I went there.

  3. marie permalink
    November 7, 2012 6:26 pm

    i have to say..i really enjoyed what you had to say! but, with it now being 3 yrs. since you posted this, do you still think dec. 2012 is nothing?..cuz the closer it gets it seems, like there are more n more underground shelters being put together!!!..i dunno, freaks me out, especially being a parent! let me know what ya think???…

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