I plead not guilty by reason of [enter lame excuse here]
Well, it looks like Anthony Sowell is America’s newest notorious serial killer. So far, 11 bodies have been found. That puts him far behind many other serial killers throughout history. (I’m working on a post about that as we speak) It still amazes me that someone could go that long with bodies rotting in his house before someone says something. Some of the neighbors said that they assumed it was a nearby sausage plant. Wait… what?
Two things about that: 1.If sausage has the same odor as decaying flesh during processing, than I’m eating bacon for breakfast from now on. 2. when you assume, it makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’. Sowell has been arraigned and people are already speculating what he will plead. Will it be insanity? Will he represent himself? Will we find out they were making that sausage out of Soylent Green? Anything could happen. Maybe he’ll look to history for some advice. There have been some crazy defenses used to try to get people out of crimes. Some of them actually worked.
Jodie Foster is in trouble
On March 30, 1981, A man named John Hinckley Jr. attempted to assassinate president Ronald Reagan outside a hotel in Washington D.C. After missing Ronny but wounding four others, he was arrested without trying to flee. While on trial, Hinkley’s lawyers set out a defense based on the movie “Taxi Driver”. They said that Hinckley had become obsessed with Jodie Foster and associated himself with Travis Bickle, who was played by Robert DeNiro.
While first devising a scheme to hijack an airplane and commit suicide to get Foster’s attention, he soon turned to the exciting field of presidential assassination. Thinking that this would get him the love of Agent Starling, he made an attempt on Reagan’s life.
No word on whether or not Jodie Foster told him to suck it because he was a lousy shot. Hinckley was found not guilty by reason of insanity after what is now called the “Taxi defense”. He remains in a psychiatric facility to this day.
Neo would have my back
In 2002, Tonya Ansley of Ohio got in an argument with her landlord. The argument was abruptly cut short when Ansley shot the landlord in the head. When police asked her about the shooting, she told them that people commit a lot of crime in the Matrix. When they heard that, I assume the police automatically knew an insanity plea was coming and went to get a donut.
Ansley’s lawyer argued in court that she believed she was inside a computer simulation and that our world is just a an illusion generated by machines. They further claimed that Ansley believed her landlord to be part of the conspiracy and felt she had to do something about it. After presumably ROTFL-ing, the jury found her not guilty by reason of insanity. They should have done the same with the stupid lawyer. Fun fact: The same defense strategy was used shortly after by a man who also shot his landlord. The way I see it, it’s now safer to work at the post office than in property management.
Junk food will do more than make you fat
Dan White was a supervisor in San Fransisco in the 70’s. He quit his post, then tried to get it back. No dice. He became depressed and acted out by assassinating Mayor George Moscone and gay rights activist Sean Penn Harvey Milk. He was arrested and put on trial for two counts of first degree murder. He couldn’t plead insanity because that wouldn’t hold up, so his attorneys devised a devious plan. His defense argued that White, previously a fitness geek and health food advocate, had started consuming large amounts of junk food and sugar-laden soft drinks such as Coca-Cola.
They said White was under diminished capacity because “there are theories that elements of diets can worsen existing mood swings.” Theories? What happened to proof? If that theory was correct, there would be a new Lorena Bobbitt every Valentine’s Day. Anyways, the jury found him guilty only of voluntary manslaughter and he was sentenced to 3 years in prison after what became known as the “Twinkie defense”.
After his release, White returned to San Fransisco and committed suicide. I for one can tell you that this defense doesn’t hold water. I drink enough Coca-Cola for everybody who is going to read this today and the closest I’ve come to premeditated murder is spraying the hell out of those pesky ants that keep trying to sneak into my garage.
It wasn’t me, it was him, who is also me, but isn’t
In February of this year, R. Sathis Raj and Sabarish Raj were arrested in Malaysia for transporting marijuana and opium. That is something you don’t want to happen to you there. If you are found with any illicit drug, they send you right to the noose. Since neither one of them wanted to die at the time, they blamed each other. Never has turning on your co-defendant been so successful. You see, the Raj’s are identical twins, and they used an old Jedi mind trick.
Here’s how the story goes: One of the twins was caught taking a car load of drugs to a house in suburban Kuala Lumpur. After he was apprehended the other twin arrived at the house and was also arrested. They were put into the same car and taken to the station for a quick and speedy trial. The problem was since they were both arrested at the same time and put in the same car, the police could not distinguish which one was the brother holding the drugs at the time. Since the government did not want to risk hanging the wrong one, they let both of them go. Brilliant. A less surprising outcome to me would have been if they hung both of them.
So remember folks, if you decide you need to commit a crime but don’t want to do the time, just think of the lamest excuse you can. I’m currently trying to think up my next out for jaywalking. Maybe I’ll say I saw a chicken cross the road and if I didn’t find out why, my Gorganite brothers from the Xylopod galaxy would never take me back home. You never know, it might work.