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My morality is impeccable. Oh, except for my boob job and sex tape

November 9, 2009
tags: ,

After winning the title of Miss California, Carrie Prejean stepped up to the microphone for her interview question at the Miss USA pageant.  We all know what happened.  After that, she became a de facto spokesperson for the opposition to gay marriage.  She based this position on her strong religious beliefs, her love for the Lord, and her thinking that she was the most morally perfect human in history.  I say, the higher they take themselves, the harder they fall.  And how perfect can you think of yourself when you go and get plastic surgery?  But I digress.  She was also being paid for her endorsements and was skipping out on her duties as Miss California.  That’s where it got ugly.  Ultimately, Donald Trump removed the crown from her, allegedly saying “You’re fired”. 

prejean2

Five grand for those? I would've gone bigger.

She sued for wrongful termination.  The pageant counter sued for reimbursement for breast enhancement. (What a dumb politically correct term)  She sued again for invasion of  privacy for telling everyone she had silicon bullets. (That’s better)  Then, all of a sudden, all lawsuits were dropped and everybody walked away.  What happened?  Did they make nice and let bygones be bygones?  Did the Lord tell Carrie that God hates hypocritical bigots with tenacious D’s?  (This is getting fun)  Oh, no.  The pageant lawyers dropped a video tape on the negotiation table.  Seeing the tape, Carrie and her attorneys cried uncle and everybody went their separate ways.  But what was on the tape?

tape

Oh, just Carrie taking out all her suppressed Catholic upbringing on a nice young man.  I guess that really puts a crimp in the her wholesome, God fearing image.  And seriously, suing for telling everybody you had plastic funbags? (I’m on a roll now)  It’s not like we couldn’t tell, honey.  Of course, this isn’t the first time someone has been caught talking the talk but not exactly walking the walk.

Ted Haggard

haggard

Pastor Ted was the founder of the huge New Life Church in Colorado Springs.  He was also the leader of the National Association of Evangelicals for 6 years.  Translation: he was a big player in the conservative religious goings on.  Although not a staunch anti-gay, he released a few things claiming that “homosexuality was clearly condemned in the Bible.”   But he was definitely anti-gay marriage.  He was at the height of his popularity in 2006 when it all came crashing down. 

The downfall:  A male prostitute came forward claiming Haggard had paid him for sex and also purchased and used crystal meth with him.  Haggard initially claimed that he had never heard of his accuser, never done drugs, and “never had a gay relationship with anybody.”  Other conservative folks, such as James Dobsen, came to Haggard’s defense.  Probably a mistake on their part.  Haggard eventually stepped down from his post at the church and eventually admitted the the allegations were true.

The aftermath: Haggard was counseled by a team to “perform a thorough analysis of Haggard’s mental, spiritual, emotional and physical life.”  Following this counseling, the church came out and declared that Haggard was “cured of his homosexuality”. 

haggard2

"You too can be cured of your gayness"

Wow, and to think those Scientologists have been right this whole time.  I wonder if they can cure stupidity as well?Anyways, to his credit Haggard says that statement is ridiculous.  He is still married to his wife and they travel around talking to church groups.  You know, because forgiveness is next to godliness.  Or something like that.

Earl Paulk

paulk

Paulk was founder of the Cathedral at Chapel Hill in 1960, which was one of the county’s first megachurches.  It was notable that the church was in the south, yet opened its doors to all ethnicities, which was unheard of at the time.  The church peaked in the early 90’s, with a congregation on over 12,000.  Apparently, Pastor Paulk looked at this as a success and a deep pool of potential bed buddies.

The downfall:  In 1992, six women accused Paulk of sexual manipulation.  Paulk denied the allegations, saying that they were either mentally unstable or under evil influences, presumably himself.  In 2001, a college student sued Paulk alleging that he molested her between the ages of 7 and 11.  It was conveniently settled out of court.  In 2003, a women claimed that Paulk “convinced” her to have a lengthy affair that included her having sex with his brother.  She said that he told her that they had a “special gift outside of matrimony”.  Later in 2003, another women came forward saying that Paulk said he had “felt impressed of the Lord to get to know her better”.  It resulted in a 14 year affair. 

paulk2

This guy was getting laid more than you were. Feel free to question your existence.

You would think that’s a lot, but there is a wonderful topper to this.  In 2007, Donnie Paulk, Earl’s nephew, came forward with a bombshell.  After he had a DNA test performed, he found out that he was not Earl’s nephew, but his son.  That’s right, in addition to all his other sexual dalliances, he lived the dream of the dude who married Gisele Bunchen’s not-really-identical twin and nailed his sister-in-law.

The aftermath: After the DNA test became public, prosecutors with the Georgia Bureau of Investigations charged Paulk with perjury.  You see, Paulk had said under sworn testimony in an earlier allegation that the woman in question was the only one he had ever had a sexual relationship with.  This was now obviously a lie.  He was sentenced to 10 years probation, lost his congregation, and died early this year from cancer.

Jimmy Swaggart

swaggart

Jimmy Swaggart was a televangelist with an audience of at least 8 million viewers per week.  He also had several books and even a Bible college.  Everything was going great until he decided to try to get rid of some competitors.  He uncovered and exposed affairs by fellow televangelists Marvin Gorman and Jim Bakker.  (Jim Bakker should be forgiven due the the amount of eye makeup worn by Tammy Fay.  Hey, would you want to have sex with a clown?  I didn’t think so.) 

The downfall:  Since karma is a bitch, Gorman hired some people to keep a surveillance on Swaggart’s activities.  They caught him going into the weekly rented hotel room of  a known prostitute.  The prostitute would later say that he was a regular.  Gorman confronted Swaggart with the evidence and said it would be kept under wraps if the earlier statements by Swaggart were retracted.  They weren’t and the cat was out of the bag. 

swaggart2

This would be much more effective if I had Tammy Fay's makeup

The aftermath:  Swaggart made his now-famous tearful apology live on his weekly broadcast.  He defrocked by the Assemblies of God, and he attempted to become and independent and tried to start his own church.  At this point he must have thought that he could now play by the rules he always wanted, and was found driving on the wrong side of the road with another prostitute.  Confronting the members of his new church who apparently assumed that the earlier debacle must have been a mistake, he told them “The Lord told me it’s flat none of your business.”  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you heathens.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. tony permalink
    November 13, 2009 5:04 pm

    Prejean walked off of Larry King the other night.

    Her little tantrum was so precious.

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