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I gotta get me one of them! A few inane fads in the last 30 years

November 2, 2009

So the iPhone finally made it’s debut in China, and people were lined up 300 – 500 deep to buy one.  Seriously?  Do they know that the iPhone will still be there next week?  It just seems like an incredible waste of time for me.  Mostly because I hate waiting in lines.  I can’t tell you the last movie I saw on opening night due to this.  And those people that waited in line here to buy the iPhone for $600 went crazy when they dropped the price $200 a few months later.  Suckers. 

iphone

Want to get ripped off? There's an app for that.

It seems, however, that there are an awful lot of people out there that will camp out for the most ridiculous things.  Here are a few of the crazes that have caused people to line up and be ready to murder the person next them to obtain a material good.

Cabbage Patch Kids

These ugly little dolls took off like crazy in the mid 80’s.  They started off a few years earlier, and the whole Cabbage Patch enterprise has a creepy, Disney like feel to it.  Here is an excerpt from their website about the early versions of the doll. 

“There are reports that earlier editions are re-adopting for as much as 100 times their initial adoption fee.”

Shut.  Up.  They’re re-selling, you morons.  Adoption fees?  How about MSRP.  Stop trying to make it more than it is.  Moving on, I remember seeing news footage of adults practically ready to commit assault with a deadly weapon to get one of these for their kids.  I could never understand why so many people wanted a doll that looked like it would come to life with homicidal intentions as soon as you doze off.

patch

Don't fall asleep...

Then, Cabbage Patch one-upped their own creepiness by introducing the preemie.  Ok, let me get this straight:  you’re taking an underweight newborn who is kept in an incubator with tubes everywhere, in a heated bed because it can’t maintain its body temperature, is surrounded by distraught  parents and probing nurses, and you’re going to turn it to the next “must have” doll?  Xavier Roberts, you are one sick man.

Tickle Me Elmo

Elmo took the same route as the Cabbage Patchers.  Somehow, I assume due to a brilliant marketing campaign, these little red annoying animals became all the rage.  But there was one thing Elmo had that the Cabbage Patch Kids didn’t: Ebay.  Some of these pieces of Sesame Street crap were going for thousands of dollars just before Christmas. 

elmo

You paid how much for me?? Hahahahahahahahahahaha

 I would love to find someone who spent $3000 on a Tickle Me Elmo that year, track them down, and yell at them for being stupid.  Then find out how much they think it’s worth now.  Then maybe hit them with a tack hammer.

Beanie Babies

Beanie Babies, in my view, represent one of the worst eras for the valuation of worthless crap.  Like Elmo, people were paying exorbitant amounts of money for these.  Sure they were cute, but they were essentially bean bags that weren’t even big enough to sit on.  The crazy thing about this fad: it was all about the tag.  You could buy a Beanie Baby for $500.  If you accidently rip the tag off, it is instantly devalued to about 5 bucks. 

beanie

Beanie Baby: $300 Tax: $30 Shipping: $18 Tearing off the Ty tag: Worthless

They should have just sold the tags and cut out the bean bag.  They would’ve increased their profits exponentially.

Mazda Miata

Nothing says mid-life crisis like a little, two seat convertible that has about as much manliness as a lavender candle.  There was a waiting list for Miatas that was up to 8 months at one time shortly after their release.  That’s fine if you’re a 20-year-old woman, but it seemed to me the most orders were place by the 35 to 50-year-old male demographic.  You would think that, given 8 months to ponder their decision, the people on the waiting list would realize their mistake and cancel.  Not so. 

miata

Even I want to sleep with this guy now.

All the middle-aged men accepted their new lease on life with open arms, including my neighbor at the time.  I hope he felt good in that car, because he looked like a desperate idiot.  And furthermore, why would a man choose to sow his wild oats in a car he can barely fit in?  Much less the hotties that will be lining up to go out with him because, well, he has a Miata.

Wedding Dresses

You see it on the news every year.  A wedding dress shop on the east coast has a crazy one day sale.  Bridezillas line up days in advance in hopes of finding the dress most will only wear twice in their life. (Statistical fact)  When the doors open, they regress to pre-society barbarians.  Women have been trampled, bitten, and punched in their quest for marital bliss.  Here is a video of one of these.  The stampede starts at about the 1:25 mark.

Chicks are crazy.

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