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The truth is out there, maybe… some people who disappeared without a trace

October 29, 2009

According to The International Group for Historic Aircraft Recovery (TIGHAR, or as I like to say, Tighhhaaaarrr)  Amelia Earhart’s final destination has recently been uncovered.  They say that she made a crash landing on a small, uninhabited island in the south Pacific where she and her co-pilot, Fred Noonan, continued to live for an undetermined amount of time “Survivor” style.  Poor guy.  She was a brave woman, but she would definitely not be in the top 10 of women I would want to be stranded on a deserted island with.  

No thanks, I'll take Sophia Varga

Sophia Vergara would be better

With technology, forensic sciences, and previously remote areas being inhabited, you would think more of these mysterious disappearances would start to turn up.  And I’m not including Jimmy Hoffa on this list because we all know he’s buried in the end zone of the Meadowlands. 

Judge Crater  


Joseph Crater was an associate justice of the New York Supreme Court.  He was put there by then-governor Franklin D. Roosevelt.  That alone tells you he had friends in high places.  He was living the high life; going to parties, living in a posh NYC apartment, and going on weeklong getaways with his mistress.  Then he up and disappeared.  Leading up to his disappearance on August 6, 1930, he cashed over $5,000 worth of checks ($65,000 today), bought a ticket to a Broadway show, and went to dinner with his mistress (who was a showgirl) and a friend. After leaving dinner, he was never seen again.   


What disappears into Vegas...

His disappearance captivated the nation but the thousands of tips that came in amounted to nothing.  Discussed theories included that he was murdured or that he skipped town because some he was about to be revealed as a corrupt judge.  In 2005, a 91-year-old woman close to death said that Judge Crater was killed by her husband, an New York police officer, and the bodyguard of a member of the infamous Murder Inc., and buried under the boardwalk at Coney Island.  No remains have been found. 

Little known fact:  Crater’s showgirl mistress, Sally Lou Ritz, disappeared without a trace about a year after the judge.  Interesting.

The truth according to me:  Well, he’s probably dead.  Not many people live to be 120.  But before that, the little known fact stated above would lead one to believe he wanted a wife-free life with his mistress and she joined him a year later.  At the risk of starting a conspiracy theory, he probably used his high level government contacts to disappear with his mistress and sex it up someplace unknown, probably Vegas.  

D.B. Cooper  


On November 24, 1971, a man using the name Dan Cooper boarded a boarded an airliner flying from Portland to Seattle.  He then proceeded to hijack the hell out of it.  He handed a flight attendant a note, which she thought was an invitation to join the mile high club, and she put it in her pocket without reading it.  After he urged her to take a look at it, she opened it and read “I have a bomb in my briefcase. I will use it if necessary. I want you to sit next to me. You are being hijacked.”  So she must have figured either it was a real hijacking, or this guy didn’t exactly have a way with women.  


Maybe D.B. stood for dream big

The plane eventually landed, where everyone but the flight crew was released, and $200,000 and a couple of parachutes were delivered to Cooper.  Cooper instructed the pilot to fly to Mexico City.  Shortly after takeoff, Cooper opened the rear door of the plane over a storm in rural Washington and jumped into infamy.  Despite the largest man hunt ever at the time and a still ongoing investigation, the only evidence ever found from the hijacking was some of the ransom money discovered on the bank of the Columbia River in 1980. 

Little known fact: When Cooper asked for parachutes, he was “accidentally” given a dummy reserve chute used for training and sewn shut for that purpose.  It was not found on the plane and was assumed to be used by the hijacker.  


The most likely outcome

The truth according to me:  As much as I would like to believe he is alive and well and enjoying his cult celebrity, he is probably dead too.  Since one of the chutes he had on was unusable and none of the money has ever been spent, he was probably trying to decide what to buy first when he hit the ground hard enough that he is probably resting comfortably in the inner part of the earth’s crust.

The Colony at Roanoke  


The colonists apparently were about the size of hobbits

In 1587, 117 men and women comprised the first colony on American soil.  The colonists were brought over by Walter Raleigh and led by elected governor John White.  They established relationships with most of the local native tribes and things appeared to be on the up and up.  


It took everything they had for the women to look straight ahead

One tribe, however, refused to hang with the white man and even attacked and killed one colonist while he was gathering crabs. (I assume they mean from the ocean, not  from the natives)  The colonists petitioned governor White to return to England for three months and ask for help from the government.  Unable to return for 3 years, he came back to an abandoned settlement with no indication of what happened to everybody.  The structures had even been carefully dismantled, meaning they were not in a hurry when they left. 

Little known fact: Sir Walter Raleigh apparently liked to wear women’s clothes. raleigh

The truth according to me:  The settlers were tired of the suppressive nature of the English lifestyle.  They decided that multiple wives, wearing warpaint, and smoking peyote was much more fun.  Tired of waiting for the governor to return, they eventually told the Queen to suck it and moved in with the tribes.

The Mary Celeste


The Mary Celeste was a merchant sailing ship famously found in the Atlantic Ocean in 1872.  She was apparently abandoned, in perfect condition, and under full sail heading directly through the Strait of Gibraltar.  Not only that, there was still 6 months worth of food and water aboard and none of the personal belongings or valuables of the crew or passengers was missing.  It is still considered the greatest maritime mystery of all time.  Theories were wide ranging in the years following the disappearance of the crew.  From insurance fraud, mutiny, and piracy to a tsunami. 


Surf's up bragh!!!

One theory that would suck if it were true is that fumes began to emanate from the cargo of alcohol they were carrying.  Fearing medical problems, the crew of 10 piled into the lifeboat and were tied to the back of the ship until the fumes dissipated.  The rope became untied and they were left to drift. 

Little known fact: The Mary Celeste didn’t wreck on that voyage.  She was docked and her cargo delivered.  The ship eventually went through 13 owners and was ultimately scuttled off the coast of Haiti in an attempted insurance fraud that didn’t work.

The truth according to me:  That’s easy.  It was totally aliens. Or a sea monster.


All he ever wanted was a friend

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