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“He’s not talking, sir. It looks like we’re going to have to bring in Big Bird.”

October 23, 2009

Citing the Freedom of Information Act, the press was able to obtain a list of artists and songs used in interrogating  inmates political detainees at Guantanamo Bay.  Many of them are what you would expect: Marilyn Manson, AC/DC, and Rage Against the Machine to name a few.  Unfortunately, Limp Bizkit is also on there giving Fred Durst a reason to open his mouth again.  Damn you CIA!

He may think he's relevant again

Oh great, he thinks he's relevant again

But there is some music on there I certainly didn’t expect.  I wonder what went through the minds of the overpaid scientists who thought these would be good instruments of torture.

Sesame Street theme song

sesame street

Detainee torture rating (out of 10): 3

This almost seems useless because Afghanistan is an arid desert.  There are no clouds to sweep away and the air is definitely not sweet.  And I don’t know how well the detainees spoke English before they were taken to Gitmo, but if they were allowed to watch full  episodes at least they will leave knowing some basic Spanish, count while laughing like Vincent Price, and be tortured for the rest of their lives trying to figure out exactly what a Snuffleupagus is.  Hmmm… maybe they have something here.

The Star Spangled Banner


Torture rating:9

So I guess this would be like rounding up a bunch of UCLA students and making them listen to the USC fight song over and over.  Or continuously telling a Yahoo! employee to “Google it”.  Or… oh nevermind, you get the picture.

The Bee Gees


Torture rating: 7

There is a reason disco went out in the 70’s.  And I’m not sure it would be good to play a song about staying alive to someone who is supposed to think that they’re close to death.  Of course, Barry Gibbs’ voice would probably start to wear on your eardrums after a few hours.  Yeah, now that I think about it…

James Taylor


Torture rating: 0

James Taylor?  Are they trying to threaten the detainees with death by boredom?  I hope sleep deprivation was not part of the plan.  I wonder if they’re playing “How Sweet It Is ( To Be Loved By You)”.  That would be the one  to make me talk.  At least the detainees will leave with a new love of granola.

Neil Diamond


Torture rating: 4

Nothing like making a Muslim extremist squirm by playing a song by a famous Jewish guy about people wanting to come to America.  No word on whether the perimeter guards heard consistent “DAH DAH DAH’s” coming from the compound during the “Sweet Caroline” hour.

The Stanley Brothers

stanley brothers

Torture rating:  6

Who?  I had to look these guys up.  Here’s what I found.

I don’t know about you, but after I heard this I would tell them everything and request political asylum in Kentucky.  That would be the only way I could knock out a few of my teeth, buy some overalls, hop in my 1978 Trans-am with a trunk full of moonshine, and run from the law.  Oh them Dukes, them Dukes.

The Barney Theme Song


Torture rating: Unknown

I don’t know how much damage the song would do, but if they paired it with the video it would cause irreparable harm.  These guys would never be able to look at their camel again without seeing a hideous purple dinosaur.

“Meow Mix” commercial jingle


Torture rating: 10+

Brilliant.  There are reasons other than PETA that people in other countries eat cats.  If they made me listen to that song, I would tell them everything they wanted to know just to see my dog again.  Try to  listen to the first 15 seconds of this 100 times in a row:


Did you start crying and wish that the Mayans had picked 2009 instead?  If you say you didn’t, you’re a prime candidate for deep cover operations.  But you would also be a prime candidate for liars anonymous, because we all know you did.

 You can click here for the complete list of music used by interrogators.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Alex permalink
    October 23, 2009 1:08 pm

    The Barney song would definately make me tell them all they wanted to know and even make things up, just to get them to stop!!! I think parents would do great with this, because we learn to tune things like that out.
    I wonder how those artists (if still alive) feel about their music being used as torture…
    OH, here’s a good one for them…Sponge Bob’s laugh, over and over again…worst sound EVER!!!!

    • tony permalink
      October 23, 2009 1:16 pm

      how about taping there eyelids open while we force them to watch “Oobi”?

      • tony permalink
        October 23, 2009 1:21 pm

        i meant “their” — not “there.”

        i swear i is a english major.

      • October 23, 2009 6:37 pm

        I guess the almighty MA degree doesn’t mean as much anymore.

    • October 23, 2009 6:36 pm

      Ooooooh, Spongebob. I didn’t think of that one. He’s funny, but his laugh on a loop would make me want to dig my eardrums out of my head with a spoon.

  2. tony permalink
    October 23, 2009 1:23 pm

    if i had to listen to limp F-ing bizkit for more than five seconds, you can bet yer butt somebody’d getting terra-ized.

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