The WTF Harriet Carter? thing went over pretty well. So as a follow up to that one, and since I didn’t have anything else ready for today, I decided to do a little searching on Ebay. There was a lot of information to process, and I was able to cut it down to a few gems. These are actually things that people are selling and, unfortunately, buying.
I Heart U Poo
There are so many ways to say “I love you”. Roses, a nice card, a quickie. Those are all great, but not on par with this. Imagine the joy of your spouse when receiving this token of appreciation.
Status at time of posting: No bids (22 days, 7 hours remaining. Plenty of time to get one for your special someone.)
Genuine Fur Belly Button Warmer
The packaging says “for the person who has everything” and the description says “they’ll be grateful this winter when their belly button is warm”. I don’t know about you, but having everything just lost some of its charm.
Status: $3.25 after 3 bids
Jesus Magnetic Paper Doll
Jesus always wore that boring robe and sandals. Why not spruce Him up a bit? You know, maybe a pimp costume. Or a rainbow muscle shirt. Or a Santa hat. Or a Darwinism shirt. Or a dress. And what’s with the sheep? Someone somewhere is going to hell for this one.
Status: No bids (3 hours, 22 minutes left)
Stupid People Shouldn’t Vote bumper sticker
The person selling this is very angry at the democratic process. The description is all about why you too should stick this on your car.
“Show your distaste for our new Community Organizer in Chief and make people realize that their feel good vote was a mistake, & our new ‘leader’ is a socialist freak on an uinprecidented(sic) power grab”.
It always makes me wonder how people who are convinced everybody else is stupid can’t operate a spell check. But they’re still not done. Oh no. Because they also ask when you rush to buy this masterpiece that you not use Paypal because “Paypal does not believe in your second amendment rights”. After a quick search, I found no indication that Paypal is ready to throw down with the NRA.
Status: No bids (7 hours, 14 minutes remaining)
Crouton with a face
“I was at work garnishing my salad when out of the crouton bag comes this cute little fella! He clearly has a face, and was looking right at me! So I kept him around, showed him off, and he has been sitting around the workplace bringing joy to everyone”.
Wow. The amazing thing about this is that there are 2 bids. Somebody is going to by a crouton on Ebay. Oh the humanity.
Status: $1.25 after 2 bids (2 days, 8 hours remaining)
Be Ordained Minister – Bob Dobbs SubGenius Church
This could be the best example of truth in advertising. What better name for a cult than Subgenius. The name alone describes the leader and the members. And then to say:
“The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This is YOUR chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge, lucrative cult — NOW, while rates are low. You will then be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex, and SHEER POWER OVER OTHERS that go with high-ranking membership in the Church”.
Well, at least they come right out and say that it’s a cult. With your purchase you get: your own personal 8×10 suitable-for-framing DOBBSHEAD, the subgenius pledge, Doktorate of Forbidden Sciences, propaganda flyers to copy, SubGenius Minister’s card, among other things. And remember:
“This is the only way to get on the Mailing List of the Chosen, pierce the shroud of secrecy insulating the cult, and obtain such privileges as befit membership in a secret society of this scope. And all of it, including the surgery, can be done BY MAIL”.
Surgery by mail? Why not?
Status: No bids
Sex Slave Ultimate Spell ~ Once Forbidden Magick
“If you feel that the time has come for you to finally do something for yourself. If you feel like you cannot go on any longer dreaming of what it would be like to experience that one person you desire so much, than I can and will help you. Be thankful that the thralls of fate brought you to me today.”
Nothing like overcoming your social shortcomings with a Wiccan spell. The best part about it is the free shipping that is prominently displayed all over the ad. A spell to make Salma Hayek my personal slave and free shipping to boot? Where do I sign up? The scary part is this chick has been paid by 2498 people for spells according to her Ebay history. And here is a sample of some of the feedback:
From felesia1: Very detailed, Very pleasant!! Keeping my fingers crossed. TU 4 being so nice
From roborionsf: I hope it works I cross my fingers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From mathniac: Can’t wait to see changes!!!! Many thanks
The only similarity I saw in the feedback comments was that nothing yet had happened to any of them. I guess in this case patience is a virtue, and a necessity.
Status: No bids (but can be yours for the low price of $49.95)