So who is the patron saint of patron saints?

I was reading a story profiling hitmen for the Columbia drug cartels.  One of the hired killers had a tattoo on his chest portraying the Virgin Maria Auxilatrix, who in Columbia is considered the “Virgin (or patron saint) of the Assassins”.  Aside from the fact that hitmen would hang out with hookers long before virgins, I wondered if there was a patron saint for everyone.  After some research, the answer is yes.  There is one for everyone.  I’m not kidding.  In fact, most people would have two or three that apply.  The thing is, very few of them had direct ties in life to the subject they patron.  And most of them are patrons of several areas.  Catholicism is weird.

Anyway, here are several patron saints I found interesting.

Saint Margaret of Antioch, Patron Saint of Falsely Accused People

AKA: Patron saint of the A-Team.

Born: Unknown

Death: Unknown

Cause of death: Beheaded

Fun Fact: She met the devil in the form of a dragon, who promptly ate her.  She was able to escape because the crucifix she wore around her neck irritated the digestive tract of the dragon and he puked her right back out.  So remember, if you ever meet a dragon, make sure you’re wearing a lot of jewelry.  This story is also the probable reason behind her being the patron saint of many childbirth issues.  But there was no indication of why she in the saint of those who have yet to have their DNA tested.

Other patronly duties: childbirth, against loss of milk by nursing mothers, women in labor, people in exile

 

Saint Matilda of Saxony, Patron Saint of Disappointing Children

AKA: Patron saint of the Menendez brothers

Born:895

Died: 968

Cause of death: Natural

Fun fact:  Mother of the Duke of Bavaria, Henry the Quarrelsome, who was probably a difficult teenager.

Other patronly duties: large families, people ridiculed for their piety, second marriages

Saint Adrian of Nicomedia, Patron Saint of Arms Dealers

AKA: Patron saint of Oliver North

Born: Unknown

Died: 304

Cause of death:  Hacked to pieces then burned

Fun Fact: Impressed by the conviction shown by persecuted Christians, he declared himself one of them.  In true Roman form, he was promptly arrested, tortured, and executed

Other patronly duties: butchers, prison guards

Saint Ivo of Kermartin, Patron Saint of Bailiffs

AKA: Patron saint of Bull from “Night Court”

Born: 1253

Died: 1303

Cause of death: Natural

Fun Fact: This guy really was a saint.  He was born rich, trained as a lawyer, and represented the poor pro bono.  He later built a hospital with his own money and treated peasants at no cost.   Stop it man, you’re making the rest of us look like selfish assholes.

Other patronly duties: abandoned people, jurists, notaries, orphans

Saint Thomas More, Patron Saint of Difficult Marriages

AKA: Patron saint of Jon & Kate

Born:1478

Died: 1535

Cause of death: Beheaded

Fun fact: Became Lord Chancellor of England, second only to Henry VIII in power.  Henry VIII?  Beheaded?  Probably not a coincidence.

Other patronly duties: adopted children, court clerks, step-parents, widowers

Saint Catherine of Siena, Patron Saint of the Theta Phi Alpha Sorority (I’m serious)

AKA: Patron saint of Elle Woods (Theta Phi Alpha, Delta Nu, whatever)

Born: 1347

Died: 1380

Cause of death: Mysterious disease (probably given to her by the patron saint of a fraternity)

Fun fact: Received a vision in which she was in a mystical marriage with Christ, and the Infant Christ presented her with a wedding ring.  No word on whether charges were filed or if she is also the patron saint of Mary Kay Letourneau.

Other patronly duties: fire prevention, nurses, sick people

 

Is your saint not here?  Check out the database at http://saints.sqpn.com/.  If you somehow can’t find a saint that in some way applies to you, let me know.  I will officially nominate you for the award as the least interesting person in the world.

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