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Oh yeah, I forgot you did that

October 14, 2009

So Rush Limbaugh wants to buy a piece of the St. Louis Rams.  Here’s the problem: several years ago he made some comments about black quarterbacks that ruffled a lot of feathers.  Everybody pretty much forgot all about it until his named popped up as part of an ownership group bidding on the Rams last week.  Now everybody is going crazy over it.  I’m not personally a Rush Limbaugh fan , but as an American it sometimes amazes me how our selective memories work.  Here are a few people who did something bad which was essentially been forgiven and/or forgotten.

Rick James

When Rick James died several years ago, he was hailed as an innovator of Funk and , thanks to Dave Chappelle’s “I’m Rick James bitch” skit, a humorous pop culture icon.  All this fanfare despite some slight brushes with the law in the early 90’s.

I'm crazy, bitch!

I'm crazy, bitch!

In 1991, while full of cocaine, James assaulted and kidnapped a music executive.  He proceeded to hold her captive and beat her for 20 hours.  While free on bail for that incident, James decided to one-up his own jackassery by abducting a 24 four year old girl.  He held her for 6 days.  6 DAYS.  WHILE HE WAS OUT ON BAIL.  And he didn’t demand a ransom or hope for Stockholm syndrome like normal kidnappers, he tortured her by burning her repeatedly with the warmer end of a crack pipe.  The whole time.  Detainees in Gitmo were spending time at Sandals, Jamaica compared to this.

Torturing makes me hungry

Torturing makes me hungry

It’s OK, time heals all wounds.  So does money.  James paid more than $2 million in settlements to the women.

Ted Kennedy

This one is a little more recent.  I included this one because, when he died, there was a week of nothing but praise for him.  Even President Obama spoke graciously about the late senator.  Some of it could be deserved.  Since I’ve been alive, he has championed bills for cancer and AIDS research, civil rights, and education.  This was all long after an incident on the easy-to-spell Chappaquiddick Island in Martha’s Vineyard.

Sorry, your insurance does not cover acts of God or the Kennedys

Sorry, your insurance does not cover acts of God or the Kennedys

Granted, the story of the night of July 18,1969 is shrouded in mystery and no indictment was ever brought forward.  The conspiracy theories run rampant, but I’ll state the facts and let you decide.  Kennedy left a party with 28-year-old Mary Jo Kopeche.  The car he was driving veered off the road and into an inlet.  Kennedy was able to exit the vehicle and swim to shore.  He responsibly reported the accident to the police the next morning.  By then, the body of Ms. Kopeche was already being pulled from the water.  An inquest was ordered to look into the incident but, under a request from Kennedy’s lawyers, was kept secret. 

Cash or whiskey contributions accepted

Cash or whiskey contributions accepted

Despite the judge declaring that Ted’s “negligent driving appears to have contributed to the death of Ms. Kopeche”, no charges were ever filed.  Kennedy pleaded guilty to leaving the scene of an accident and was given a suspended prison sentence, which he probably never served.  Was it really an accident?  Was Kopeche attempting to blackmail Kennedy?  Was she pregnant with his baby?  Did he go down only to find Mr. Winky?  We’ll never know.  Feel free to develop your own theory.

Tim Allen

I loved Home Improvement.  Of course, I was a dumb high schooler and the main competition was Designing Women.  What I didn’t know was that Tim Allen had been a succesful comic for a couple of decades prior to the show.  He had also been a successful coke snorter.  In 1978, Allen was arrested at an airport for having almost a pound and a half of the stuff.  That’s enough powder for Tony Montana to get all excited about his little friend again.

He just finished auditioning for Magnum P.I.

He just finished auditioning for Magnum P.I.

He ended up serving 28 months in prison.  Why not the possible life sentence he was facing, you ask?  He named names.  That’s right.  Tim Allen was a big, fat, mustachioed snitch.  He provided the identities of several dealers in exchange for a lighter sentence.  I can’t believe he’s still alive.  My thought is he strove for stardom so he could afford to pay off the hitmen for not making him dead.

So remember kids, with fame and money comes forgiveness.  I’m going to start a pool for the length of time it’s going to take for O.J. to find his way back into the gracious heart of America.  The first step would be another Naked Gun because everyone loves Nordberg.  There are plenty of others like the three above.  I’ll probably do a sequel to this at a later date.

One Comment leave one →
  1. tony permalink
    October 14, 2009 9:41 pm

    don’t forget 13-year-old-girl rapist roman polanski. now you’ve got all these crackpot celebrity types saying we should just let him go because it was so long ago. and he was such a great director.

    c’mon, even johnny cochran didn’t have the nerve to say “maybe he did kill them, but did you see OJ play against denver?!”

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