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A list of things I have to look forward to as I get older, at least according to every other commercial on television

November 6, 2009

One thing I love about my DVR is that I no longer have to sit through increasingly unfunny and unoriginal commercials.  Unfortunately, I have this weird thing where I need to watch my Angels and Lakers games live.  It’s my little bit of OCD.  I just can’t watch recorded sporting events.  Anyhoo, the commercials for sporting events make me think that I will never get through life without my body rebelling against me in a dozen ways.  From what I understand, I’m going to have to take about 50 pills a day.  And that will just be so that I can get out of bed and take a leak.

drugs

OK, now which one was my pee drug and which one was my penile enlargement?

Here are some of the bad things I have to look forward to as I get closer and into into my 50′s, along with the possible side effects taken right off their websites.  It’s the law I guess.

I’m going to have to pee every 5 minutes, assuming I can pee at all

Offenders: Flomax, Avodart

After he’s done teeling me about all the money he’s making, my doctor will tell me I don’t have a going problem, I have a growing problem. (Well, not according to the next drugs on the list)  I will fall into one of two categories:  I’ll either have to pee so often I’ll have to eat my meals in the bathroom, or I won’t be able to pee at all and I’m at risk of bursting.

pee

Why women should not handle Avodart

According to the commercials, this will severely affect my life by taking time away from my deep-sea fishing, baseball games, hiking, golfing, and kayaking.  Did I mention that I will also apparently be a hyper-active senior?

Possible side effects:  Back pain; blurred vision; cough; decreased sexual ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; lightheadedness; runny or stuffy nose; sinus inflammation; trouble sleeping; weakness, severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); chest pain; fainting; fever, chills, or persistent sore throat; irregular heartbeat; prolonged, painful erection; severe or persistent dizziness.

Priapism will be the least of my worries

Offenders: Viagra, Cialis, Extenze, Levitra, Enzyte, and countless others

Sorry guys, the days of morning wood will be long over.  Not to mention the afternoon and evening versions as well.  I won’t be able to satisfy a fleshlight, much less my neglected partner.  My testosterone levels will fall, causing that angry girl in the Extenze commercial to scold me.  There will be no avoiding it unless I take a little blue/yellow/white pill.  But it’s all OK.  Because after I take said pill, I get to sit with my wife in separate bathtubs on the edge of a cliff overlooking the Pacific. 

tubs

How is this supposed to help us get it on?

But first, I’ll have to ask my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex.

Possible side effects: Dizziness; flushing; headache; heartburn; mild back or muscle pain; stomach upset; stuffy or runny nose.  Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); chest pain; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; memory loss; numbness of an arm or leg; one-sided weakness; prolonged, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; ringing in the ears; seizures; severe or persistent back or muscle pain; severe or persistent dizziness; severe or persistent vision changes; sudden decrease or loss of hearing; sudden decrease or loss of vision in one or both eyes.

Plaque won’t only rot my teeth, it will also clog my arteries

Offender: Plavix

One day when I’m older I’m going to walk in to a room and my 13-year-old daughter will be at the computer looking up arterial blockage for some unknown reason.  She will then say we need to have “the talk” about the plaque in my blood. 

plavix

If I talk to him about Plavix, maybe he'll be too busy thinking when I slip in the fact that I'm pregnant.

Shut up Plavix.  The last thing a teenage girl is going to be thinking about is whether or not my blood flow is restricted. A parent could only dream of a child like that.  If I have plaque in my arteries, it isn’t going to be my daughter bringing up the subject.  It’s going to be the medical examiner explaining to my family why he’s asking about next of kin.

Possible side effects:  Easy bruising; minor bleeding.  Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); bleeding in the eye; change in vision; change in the amount of urine; chest pain; dark or bloody urine; black, tarry stools, unusual or severe bleeding (eg, excessive bleeding from cuts, increased menstrual bleeding, unexplained vaginal bleeding, unusual bleeding from the gums when brushing); loss of appetite; pale skin; seizures; severe, persistent headache; sore throat or fever; speech problems; unusual bruising; weakness; unexplained weight loss; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

Gray and/or balding hair is a major social faux pas

Offenders:  Just for Men, Propecia

Apparently, when my hair turns gray all women (including my wife) will look at me with disdain. You see, the salt and pepper look is no longer distinguishing, it’s a disease or something.   Throw in a little male pattern baldness, and I’m the human equivalent of this:

ugly

 What?  That is a human?  Huh.  Well, you get the picture.  And I just can’t bring myself to believe that a little baldness is better than nipple discharge and testicular pain. (see below)

Possible side effects (of Propecia): Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); breast enlargement, lumps, pain, or tenderness; nipple discharge; testicular pain.

I’m going to be in too much pain to get out of bed

Offenders: Celebrex

Did you feel that?  Oh yeah, that’s arthritis and it’s going to cripple you.  There is no escape. 

arthritis

But I can make AWESOME shadow animals

Oh, thanks Celebrex.  Between you and Flomax I can do all those things that senior citizens only do in commercials for your prescription drug.  I’ll even be pain free enough to pop a Cialis and please the old lady.  The drugged life is wonderful.

Possible side effects:  may cause an increased risk of serious cardiovascular thrombotic events, myocardial infarction, and stroke, which can be fatal. All NSAIDs may have a similar risk. This risk may increase with duration of use. Patients with cardiovascular disease or risk factors for cardiovascular disease may be at greater risk.   Celebrex is contraindicated for the treatment of peri-operative pain in the setting of coronary artery bypass graft (CABG) surgery.  NSAIDs, including Celebrex, cause an increased risk of serious gastrointestinal adverse events including bleeding, ulceration, and perforation of the stomach or intestines, which can be fatal. These events can occur at any time during use and without warning symptoms. Elderly patients are at greater risk for serious gastrointestinal (GI) events.

My cholesterol will be through the roof

Offenders:  Lipitor, Crestor,

 High cholesterol is a common problem.  Probably more common than anything on this list.  Well, except maybe for gray hair.  Anyway, according to Lipitor, when I get old I’m going to have high cholesterol no matter what my lifestyle is.  So I better take it or I’ll die.  Period.

cholesterol

This funny looking fish will totally kill you

Possible side effects:  Diarrhea or stomach/abdominal pain may occur. This drug may infrequently cause muscle problems (which can rarely lead to a very serious condition called rhabdomyolysis).   Muscle pain/tenderness/weakness (especially with fever or unusual tiredness), change in the amount of urine.  Yellowing eyes/skin, dark urine, severe stomach/abdominal pain, persistent nausea/vomiting.  Serious allergic reaction, including: rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing.  This is not a complete list of possible side effects. If you notice other effects not listed above, contact your doctor or pharmacist.

Acid reflux is going to take over my life

Offender: Nexium

Older people only eat broccoli and cauliflower, right?  It’s the only way to keep you stomach from eating itself.  Well not anymore.  I just need to pop one of these and I can enjoy all sorts of junk food that I probably shouldn’t be eating. 

oldpeople

It's OK kids, we have plenty of drugs

It doesn’t matter, when I’m done with that chili dog I just take a Nexium and I’ll be fine.  But one of the side effects of that is impotence, so I’ll have to take a Viagra.  I’m sensing a pattern here.

Possible side effects:  Allergic reactions such as hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.  Headache; diarrhea; nausea, stomach pain, gas, constipation; or dry mouth.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Alex permalink
    November 6, 2009 2:24 pm

    My dad keeps saying that he wants to get herpes because the people in the commercials seem to be so happy. Out there and enjoying life, rock climbing, rafting, hiking…herpes is the way to live, people!! :)

    • November 8, 2009 11:52 pm

      I hear you there. I figure that if I’m not impotent by 55, my life is going to SUCK.

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