WTF Harriet Carter?

Before my in-laws moved to the Lone Star state, they lived about 40 miles away from us and we would often visit on weekends.  A mild highlight of my visit would always be thumbing through the Harriet Carter and Oriental Trading Company catalogues that were inevitably present.  Some of the products in these issues are truly hilarious.  Here is a sample:

Bingo Mask

 Wow.  What a start.  OK, where to begin?  The description of this product says “Bingo Mask will have folks shouting more than “Bingo”!”.  And you know what, they’re right.  People will be shouting “Holy crap!!  I didn’t know trolls also liked Bingo.”  The sad thing is that you could probably wear this to a Bingo night at your local Elk’s Lodge and nobody would give you a second look.

Modesty Panel

It looks more like a bib to me.  But the catalogue states that the modesty panel will “enhance low-cut necklines and the elegant lace appliqué-trimmed panel gives the impression of a full camisole when worn beneath a sweater, dress or blouse.”  I don’t know about anybody else, but as far a I’m concerned the only thing that enhances low-cut necklines are boobs.  Why would someone want to cover them up with a doily on a string?

Farting Slippers

“Present these sound off slippers to any “fart”unate old timer and get ready for explosive laughter.”  That’s just the beginning.  There were so many puns in the item description I had to restart my computer so they wouldn’t affect the hard drive.  If I were an old woman and my husband of 50 years picked up a pair of these, it would last about 3 trips to the bathroom.  After that, it would be the slippers or the hospice, his choice.

Butt/Face Soap & Towel

“Butt/Face Towel is perfect for those who can’t quite figure out which end is up! Cotton towel clearly tackles this directional question. Add the Butt/Face Soap and you have the ultimate combo in cheek to cheek washing and drying.”  Oh. My. God. 

Fanny Bank

Well, how could this not be fun. “Just drop a coin in the strategically-placed slot of this tushy-shaped bank and listen as it lets out the loudest rip you’ve ever heard. Add more loot, hear more toot! Up to six flatulent sound effects, guaranteed to make you laugh your “assets” off!”  Again with the puns.  Really Harriet? You’re better than this.  I’d like to know what percentage of your catalogue sales depend on how much people like fart jokes.

Senior Discount Hat

“Senior Discount Cap says you’re entitled to big-time savings for all your years of spending, spending, spending.”  Um, sure.  You know what the biggest thing this hat says?  It says “you’ll be lucky to get a 10% tip kid, now get me my iced tea!  And no lemon this time!”

Obama Coin

If you’re one of those people who collected all the state quarters, it looks like you are now missing one.  Everything else has Obama on it, why not kick George Washington to the curb and slap Obama on there?  After all, according to the description, the coin is “legal tender and includes a Certificate of Authenticity.”  This costs $9.98.  So you are essentially paying $0.25 for the coin and $9.73 for a little decal and a piece of paper.  Of course, depending on who you believe, people think this coin should be a Kenyan shilling instead of an American quarter.

The now famous 3 Wolf Moon Shirt

Everyone now knows what this is.  So instead of saying anything clever about it I’ll just encourage you to watch our friend Megan’s video singing the praises of this wonderful garment.  Hey, she’s in a Pocahontas outfit.  In New York. With purple warpaint.  And the CG is amazing.  Listen, just watch it.  It’s funny.

 

Wind-up Crawling Fingers

 

“Wind-Up Crawling Fingers. Scare your lil’ monsters with these plastic finger-tapping wind-ups! Spook coworkers when this hand crawls by! The perfect gag gift for the winner of your best costume contest or when dropped in trick-or-treat bags!”  Whatever.  I don’t care what the description says.  I got two words for it: sex toy.